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Ozzy Osbourne flogging I can't Believe It’s Not Butter!: the weirdest celebrity endorsement ads

ONE of the best things about being a celebrity is being rich. Which makes the decisions of some of them to flog these products all the more baffling.

Kim Kardashian – Charmin toilet paper

Before the Kardashians completely engulfed popular culture, Kim was scraping a living as a celebrity brand ambassador opening promotional stalls for Charmin in Times Square, and the association still lingers. Do we really want to be thinking about a beautiful, wealthy woman while wiping excrement from our own undercarriages? Not really.

Ozzy Osbourne – I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter!

Who better to take your advice on food from than a man who obliterated his taste buds with booze, drugs and fags during the 1980s? Given that the thing Ozzy is most famous for eating is the head of a bat, his seal of approval is probably worth less than the I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter! PR team had hoped.

JLS – Durex condoms

You spent months working up the courage to ask out your sexy colleague and, to your astonishment, they agreed. Now, the date’s going well and you’re back at their flat getting ready to shag – except, what’s that? You’ve reached for a johnny and found yourself staring at the face of Aston Merrygold. The sexual tension immediately deflates along with your penis.

John Lydon – Country Life butter

The spreadable fats industry seems to have an obsession with ageing rockstars, but there’s nothing more tragic than watching a gurning pensioner with purple hair trying to flog processed dairy. If someone gave Johnny Rotten a time machine in 1977 so he could see himself hawking butter, he’d save us all some time and punch himself in the face.

Iggy Pop – Swiftcover insurance

One of the more bizarre collaborations was Iggy Pop trying to flog insurance on television. Is there any greater nail in the coffin of a rockstar’s career than advising you to take out third party theft insurance? Especially a man who has so abused his body that any health cover provider would laugh in his drug-addled face.

Jackie Chan – Woolworths

It would be a safe bet to say that Jackie Chan had little idea of what a Woolworths was and never set foot inside one, but he was happy to make some cash from endorsing it nonetheless. Unfortunately for Woolworths however, they encountered the one enemy that the star of The Tuxedo couldn’t defeat with kung-fu: financial insolvency.

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How to enjoy your holiday in a tiny, unsuitable apartment some chancer's put on Airbnb

ARE you at the mercy of someone’s desire to make a killing from their horrible, poky apartment on Airbnb? Here’s how to attempt to enjoy it regardless.

Spend no time there

It’s fine, you tell each other as you are greeted by giant cracks in the wall and a floor that slopes alarmingly, you’ll be mostly out and about enjoying the sights. Until you get tired and have to retreat, only to find that the TV doesn’t work, the electric lighting hums alarmingly and a cockroach has just scurried away under the cooker.

Enjoy meeting the locals

Staying in someone else’s home means you’ll get to meet genuine locals who will be able to give you tips on interesting places to visit and amazing restaurants that won’t be full of tourists. Oh, hold on, you just get the keys from a dusty box stuck to the door? And it’s what the rental company does with its 30 other identical apartments? OK, then.

Tell yourself it’s authentic

What could be more real than an apartment next to a real-life gambling den, where the locals yell murderously at each other under your window until 3am? Identikit chain hotels are in sanitised, out-of-town areas where you never get to know the real vibe of a city and – hang on, was that a gunshot?

Sleep a lot

Spend less time awake and the apartment won’t seem so bad. This is a great idea until you try to get to sleep in the allegedly double bed which is actually so small that your feet stick out of the end, and was clearly only put in the tiny room in an attempt to make it look bigger.

Lie in your holiday photos

The apartment may have been shit, but you don’t want your friends to know that. Take some photos from the one advantageous angle, which involves getting on top of a kitchen cabinet, share them online and watch the likes roll in. Your apartment may have been a miserable hole, but at least people on Instagram will be jealous of your amazing getaway. Which is the whole point of a holiday after all.

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