Panto audience asked to believe in Brexit to save Tinkerbell

THE audience at a production of Peter Pan have been told they must believe in Brexit if Tinkerbell is to live. 

Peter Pan, played by Hannah Spearritt of S-Club 7, exhorted the 1,000-strong audience to believe in Brexit as hard as they could or poor Tink could slip away. 

She continued: “Come on, she needs you! Believe that we will be financially better off by making independent free trade deals with the Commonwealth!

“In the stalls, believe in the 400,000 jobs that will be created by leaving the customs union! Up there on the balcony, I need you to believe in taking back control of our borders!

“Please! Believe that Britain can be great again, or I’ll lose my best friend in all the world!” 

Following the speech Tinkerbell revived and fluttered around the auditorium throwing handfuls of cheap, nasty sweets to the audience as a reward, not as a metaphor. 

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Couple enters sickening 'framed photos of themselves' phase of relationship

A COUPLE have completely filled their flat with nauseating framed pictures of themselves being in love.

Mary Fisher and Norman Steele recently moved in together and plan to fill as many surfaces as they can with shots of themselves kissing, smiling and embracing.

Fisher explained: “These photos capture our shared memories and feelings so perfectly – like being loved-up under a waterfall, or feeling romantic in a restaurant, or snogging each other’s faces off at a friend’s barbecue.

“For us, these photos are a constant reminder of our deep connection to each other, and also of Tom’s skills with the timer on his camera.

“My favourite is the one where we have chunky knit sweaters on, because we look so adorable.”

Steele added: “I’m not going to lie, most of these photos were taken shortly before we boned.

“I really like the one where Mary is in a bikini, that’s the one I’ll cry over and possibly use for masturbatory purposes when we split up.”