Piracy 'kills creativity of porn industry'

ONLINE piracy is preventing the porn industry making the challenging, creative films it wants to, insiders have claimed.

As O2 users are reprimanded for illegally downloading Ben Dover films, the porn industry has warned that piracy could lead to a drop in the quality of films in which dead-eyed quasi-prostitutes grimly hump like bored lions in a wildlife documentary.

Adult film director Wayne Hayes said: “Piracy means less money to bring your unique artistic vision to life. My latest film, Extreme Anal Violation Orgy, will now feature only moderate anal violation, and more of a small gathering than an orgy.

“Cost-cutting also means porn films will no longer feature the sharp scripts and involving plotlines they’re known for, such as someone going into a house and fucking someone.”

Others warned that piracy would mean the end of big-budget porn parodies like Star Wars XXX, devised for people with the entirely healthy desire to see Princess Leia fellating C3PO.

Porn producer Tom Booker said: “Illegal downloads could kill off mainstream blockbusters like Avengers Assemble, as well as my own homage to the Marvel universe, Assvengers Analised, in which Loki and Iron Man simultaneously violate Black Widow while Thor stands in the background frantically trying to make his ‘magic hammer’ work.”

Porn fan Tom Booker said: “Yes, I illegally downloaded The Female Amb-ass-ador, but I liked it so much I actually bought the other 25 films in the series.

“It feels great to put something back, especially considering how drained I now feel.”

 

 

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Opening ceremony for 2012 Riots set to wow Hackney

THE grand curtain raiser for the 2012 Riots will be attended by over 50,000 spectators at Hackney Stadium this Friday.

The extravaganza will include thousands of volunteers staging pitched battles between police and masked looters, men in Guy Fawkes masks jetpacking into the stadium and the burning of a giant, inflatable Wetherspoons.

Hosted by TV’s Sue Barker, the event will feature music by The Clash, The Kaiser Chiefs and Sir Andrew Lloyd Webber, conducting selections from the score to Smash It!, the musical he co-wrote based on the Riots.

The evening will climax with the torching of the stadium itself, lit with the Molotov cocktail flame which has been carried across Britain from Manchester down to London, through Croydon, Ealing and Woolwich.

Event co-ordinator Stephen Malley said, “Rioting has been part of the Great British tradition since the days of Wat Tyler. It’s part of the warp and weft our culture through the ages and we’ll be looking to reflect that in the opening ceremony.”

However, there are those who feel that the true spirit of the Riots has been lost in 2012.

Wayne Hayes, a veteran of the Riots of 1981 said, “I remember when the Riots were about protesting against Tory cuts, unemployment and police racism. These days it’s all about the High Street, fashion, Adidas trainers, McDonalds and that.”

Others have complained that the Riots are likely to cause disruption in London, with large areas out of bounds to traffic and commuters.

However Malley said, “There are always going to be cynics carping about the Riots, whether it’s small businesses moaning about the effect on their livelihoods, or people complaining about the army having to be brought in.

“But at the end of the day this is about the Rioters themselves. The message of the Riots is: Go for it, take whatever the corporate brands have on offer, don’t let anyone stand in your way.”