WAKING with a hangover so dehydrating I am forced to drink an entire fish tank of water, including the fish containing vital fluids, I reflect upon the events of the week.
Having given confession to Tony Blair some weeks ago as an ecumenical experiment, I was contacted by Keir Starmer’s office, requesting that he also be allowed to confess his sins. I agreed, and the prime minister knelt in his place in the confessional box, gauze dividing us.
‘Bless me, Archbishop, for I have sinned,’ he began. ‘I confess that in the grandeur of high office, I refer too infrequently to my humble origins. My father, for example, was a toolmaker.’
‘No, he owned the fucking factory, he ordered other people to make the tools, you twat, but carry on,’ I interjected.
‘Okay. Er, my other sin is that I am sometimes too focused on delivery. Delivery for British families and workers. This is my confession.’
‘That’s it?’ I hooted. ‘What about lying your fucking way to the leadership of the Labour party, living in Donald Trump’s arse, flag shagging like a Nazi and arming a fucking genocide? Say two Hail Marys and throw yourself into a septic tank full of fucking boiling goat’s semen, you utter cunt!’ Upon which I blessed and dismissed him.
Expunging the memory, I take a light breakfast and peruse a periodical. Therein, I read that Ricky Gervais has issued a series of mock adverts for his own brand of vodka, his original ideas supposedly having been rejected by Transport For London. One showed him telling Tube users: ‘Don’t jump – you’ll make everyone late for work, you selfish prick.’
Fuck me, emboldened by an army of gurning online wankers, you get worse and more smugly anti-PC with each fucking year! By the time you’re 80 you’ll be the mental equivalent of a three-year-old kid screeching ‘I WANT MY GOLLIWOG!’ over and over! Suicide, it’s all a larf, innit, what are the woke mob up in arms about? You’re such an edgelord! You’re on the edge alright, the edge of becoming the worst kind of tedious, fake-guffawing, self-congratulatory, reactionary bore. Do what you should have done years ago and change your name to David Brent by fucking deed poll!
This week’s American elections, including that of New York’s first ever Muslim mayor, saw the Democrats make big gains. By contrast, the conservative group Moms For Liberty saw all of their 31 candidates lose completely.
Christ on a crack pipe, tell you what, there’s a shaft of light in the dark, oozing, radioactive cesspit of modern fucking politics, eh? ‘Moms For Liberty’! You mean liberty for you to say whatever awful shit it is you believe about abortion, trans people and so on, not liberty for people to explain what a ghastly bunch of fascist harridan morons you are, using the Devil’s implements known as ‘facts’! Fuck you, you appalling bunch of weirdly-spectacled, Gary Larson medieval mentalists!
Jimmy Fallon and James Corden spontaneously took to the stage at one of New York’s most exclusive nightspots, belting out karaoke versions of standards by Frank Sinatra and Tony Bennett including My Way and I Left My Heart In San Francisco.
You know, in a world where actual fucking talent is rewarded so tear-jerkingly unjustly, that an impervious wodge of pure braying twatdom like James Corden should have become a fucking star makes you weep for both humanity and the fucking catastrophic idiocy of America! You could always tell which were the bits you wrote in Gavin and Stacey as they involved no fucking humour whatsoever, just people shouting and having a fucking party! Still, it seems no amount of being rude to waiters is putting the Yanks off you, which is good. Your fellow Brits are backing your career 3,500 miles away 100 fucking per cent!
Finally, it seems that Dick Cheney, vice president during the George Bush administration and one of the architects of the war in Iraq, has died.
At least a million dead because of the lies you pushed about weapons of mass destruction! Like any sane person I don’t believe in any of this God or afterlife shit, we’re not fucking shepherds washing our socks by night, we’re fucking 21st century adults, but I wish there was a fucking hell and that a personalised boiling cauldron was being prepared for you because you’re one of the worst fucking people of this century! People rage about Trump but he’s fucking Abraham Lincoln compared to your death toll! Let’s hope they’d got the barbecue going for your gonads, you respectably evil cunt!
