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'Play one off your two good albums!': Helpful things to shout at tonight's Oasis gig

ATTENDING an Oasis reunion gig? So stupefied by the magnitude of the occasion that you don’t know what to shout? Try these:

‘Play one off your two good albums!’

Having not been together for a while, the boys may have forgotten that five of their seven albums are largely shite. They must be encouraged to play only the good early ones. Add ‘Definitely Maybe and Morning Glory, specifically!’ if they need an extra nudge.

‘You’re the guitarist!’

Sometimes Noel steps up to the microphone to sing even though it’s not his field of expertise. Discourage him.

‘It is not inclement enough to need a coat!’

Despite being in Cardiff in the monsoon season of July, it is not forecast to rain at tonight’s gig. If the Gallaghers take the stage wearing all-weather anoraks as is their wont, remind them it is unnecessary. It is forecast to rain tomorrow, obviously. This is Wales.

‘Yes! Yes, you are, this evening, a rock ’n’ roll star!’

He seems to want confirmation.

‘Call him a potato!’

Gen Z Oasis fans are less familiar with the band for their music than for their fights and are more interested in seeing memes performed live than songs. Accompany requests for Liam to call his brother a potato with a hail of thrown tubers and the band will thank you.

‘This seat was certainly worth £250 more than the one immediately adjacent!’

The Blur-backing media has done nothing but carp about dynamic pricing, determined to ruin everyone’s good time. Stand up for this innovative practice by confirming how delighted you were to buy the platinum package despite its benefits being hazy.

‘Anyone got a bump?’

Cocaine and Oasis go together like drinking heavily and Oasis, so ask those around you for chemical assistance. If they don’t, you have a valuable excuse for not enjoying the gig.

‘What do you reckon City’s chances are next season?’

During the mid-set lull, where against your advice songs from Be Here Now to Dig Out Your Soul are played as if they were good, make conversation. Both brothers are huge City fans so will be glad to weigh in on whether Foden can step up to replace De Bruyne. It may be the only part of the evening they’re fully engaged with.

‘You’re saving Champagne Supernova for the encore? Makes sense!’

As the end of the gig approaches, you will suddenly realise Oasis have not performed one of their signature songs and what’s more, one with an anthemic melody suitable for singing along to. They’re leaving the stage? This is a disaster! Oh, thank God, they’re back.

‘That wasn’t as disappointing as the Stone Roses reunion!’

High praise indeed.

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BuzzBallz: Your guide to surviving the unprecedented threat of 13.5% alcohol

A DANGEROUS new novelty drink, BuzzBallz, is sweeping the UK, the media has warned us. So is there any way to prevent this sherry-strength alcopop ruining your life? Try these measures. 

Resist peer pressure

Friends may encourage you to drink BuzzBallz, claiming they are ‘fun’. They won’t be saying that when they instantly become paralytically drunk and knock out several teeth or fall under a train. Although it does give you the chance to say ‘I told you so’, which is a better high than any drug. Even at their funeral.

Ask yourself if you really want to be a homeless alcoholic prostitute 

Inevitably, anyone who drinks BuzzBallz will enter a downward spiral of addiction. You’ll lose your job, your savings, your home, your partner and your self-respect. And your phone. In fact BuzzBallz are so addictive it’s impossible to even try one without becoming a prostitute offering the most depraved sex acts for just £2.99 for your next fix of ‘Choco Chiller’. 

Don’t be fooled by their innocent appearance

BuzzBallz are brightly coloured and come in a container that more resembles a toy than an alcoholic drink. Remember many things look harmless but are in fact highly toxic, such as fly agaric mushrooms and your gran talking about Asian people. 

Drink less harmful vodka or Scotch 

They may appear to be weaker than Baileys, which has an ABV of 17%, and only fractionally stronger than 13% Jacob’s Creek, but BuzzBallz contain a special type of extra-dangerous alcohol no one understands. Therefore drink a healthier tipple such as neat vodka or whisky. If you still crave the bright, cheerful colours of BuzzBallz, have a glass of meths.

Write down everything about yourself  

BuzzBallz drinkers have reported a new and terrifying effect of alcohol: memory loss. Write down everything you know about yourself – name, age, job, sexual orientation and every event in your life. Then if you drink a BuzzBallz and erase your memory you can relearn who you are over a period of months or years. Leave out embarrassing incidents like pissing the bed that time, so they aren’t part of the memories that shape your personality and you are therefore less of a dick.

Carry a defibrillator at all times 

BuzzBallz are so inexplicably toxic it’s safe to assume they cause the worst symptoms of alcohol poisoning such as heart failure. Therefore carry a portable defibrillator with you at all times. They’re easy to get hold of because there’s one in most public places these days. No one minds you taking it, or they’d have locked the box.

Avoid women

The most frequent users of BuzzBallz are women, so simply avoid them. If you’re female it might be hard to cut off contact with all your friends forever, but it’s better than dying from a sip of their Pornstar Martini. Obviously it’s easier for men, because when you’ve already got Gary and Pete to discuss Burnley’s chances of relegation with, who on earth would want to socialise with pissed-up women out for a good time?

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