NEEDY children across Britain have asked that tonight’s Children in Need is the last.
As Britain faces another evening of dancing newsreaders and low grade pop stars trying to look earnest, disadvantaged children have said they will source their own food parcels from now on.
Nathan Muir, a homeless 9-year-old, said: “Sleeping in a skip under a motorway flyover is pretty bad but at least it’s not a ‘sketch’ starring Peter Andre, Gary Lineker and David Cameron.
“I couldn’t live with myself thinking I’d put you through something that hellish. Honestly, I’ll stuff a load of newspapers up my jumper, I’ll be fine.”
The telethon started even earlier this year, with a concert last night featuring Rob Brydon and Tom Jones that witnesses say had more awkward pauses than an amateur production of a Harold Pinter play.
Meanwhile, the children reminded Britain that giving to charity is entirely legal 365 days of the year and can be done without anyone sitting in a bath full of beans.