Please stop now, say children in need

NEEDY children across Britain have asked that tonight’s Children in Need is the last.

As Britain faces another evening of dancing newsreaders and low grade pop stars trying to look earnest, disadvantaged children have said they will source their own food parcels from now on.

Nathan Muir, a homeless 9-year-old, said: “Sleeping in a skip under a motorway flyover is pretty bad but at least it’s not a ‘sketch’ starring Peter Andre, Gary Lineker and David Cameron.

“I couldn’t live with myself thinking I’d put you through something that hellish. Honestly, I’ll stuff a load of newspapers up my jumper, I’ll be fine.”

The telethon started even earlier this year, with a concert last night featuring Rob Brydon and Tom Jones that witnesses say had more awkward pauses than an amateur production of a Harold Pinter play.

Meanwhile, the children reminded Britain that giving to charity is entirely legal 365 days of the year and can be done without anyone sitting in a bath full of beans.

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All women bisexual, claims scientist clearly hoping for threesome

A SCIENTIST has concluded that all women are attracted to both sexes, especially his long-term girlfriend and her best friend Mandy. 

Dr Nathan Muir’s extensive research, which began when he was only a teenager, has collated more than 10,000 hours of taped evidence proving that all women can find another woman attractive if they just give it a try. 

Dr Muir said: “Of course, there’s only so much that can be done in the theoretical sphere. 

“Certain key indicators, notably the glint in Mandy’s eye when she’s had a few gins and my partner’s tacit encouragement of her flirtatious behaviour, lead me to believe that a practical experiment would be advisable at this stage. 

“If anyone needs me to make some litmus paper change colour or anything, just as proper scientific proof, I can do that.”