Arsenal reluctantly drops jousting from training schedule

AFTER repeated injury problems, Arsenal has decided to remove medieval combat from its weekly schedule.

With Aaron Ramsey suffering from a hamstring problem, Hector Bellerin shrugging off a groin complaint and Jack Wilshere out for several months with a lance embedded in his skull, the club has been forced to reconsider their training regime.

Club doctor Tom Logan said: “Arsenal’s players work harder than any other Premier League side’s to ensure they’re ready for whatever is thrown at them, especially boiling oil or spears.

“But we’re starting to wonder if perhaps we should put less of a focus on jousting and sword fighting and just practice passing a ball around.

“It’s tough for Arsene Wenger when the fixtures are coming thick and fast and you’ve lost key players to horse tramplings, spear skewering and decapitations. For most clubs even one decapitation per season is too many.”

However, while Wenger has partially relaxed his training regime, the French tactician will still force all members of his squad to attend training sessions in full chain mail.

He said: “I see my team as an army and like an army I want them to be tough, well-drilled and harrowed by the horrors they have seen.

“If a player can’t take the odd flaming arrow to the neck from a teammate then what chance does he have on a wet Tuesday night in Stoke?”

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Self-deprecating remark about age goes unchallenged

A MAN is taking legal action after colleagues failed to reassure him when he joked about films being in black and white when he was young.

54-year-old office worker Roy Hobbs made extensive remarks about how grey and wizened he looks, with the express intention of getting people to contradict him or even to tell him they think men his age are sexy.

He said: “When you make a joke about your personal appearance people are bound by social convention to disagree with you, not nod their heads and go ‘yeah.’

“When Hazel from purchase ledger said she couldn’t wear a tight dress what with her figure, everyone told her she’d look ‘lush’ in it even though they knew she’d actually look like minced pork stuffed into a condom.”

Hobbs said he felt the reaction were both ageist and sexist and is consulting a lawyer.

Hobb’s co-worker Stephen Malley said: “People made that comment to Hazel because she is nice, while Roy is a miserable sod who never buys any biscuits.

“Probably because, as he says, the shops no longer accept groats and farthings.”