Ask Holly: I just found out that lots of people in this country have got absolutely no money

Dear Holly,

I’m a little bit upset, because I just found out that lots of people in this country have got absolutely no money due to budget cuts or something. Worse than this, apparently hardly any of them have a top hat and tails or access to a limousine, so Christ knows what they do when they attend a celebratory ball. I don’t know which bumbling fool has authored this almighty cock-up but we need to do something ASAP. How can I find the person or persons responsible? 

David

Westminster

Dear David,

I hate it when you find out horrible stuff like that, it’s not a nice surprise. It happens to me quite a lot. For example, did you know that there’s actually no such person as Peppa Pig? Yes, you heard me correctly: pigs can’t talk and wear clothes and live in houses and be friends with talking wolves and dogs. And they don’t ride bikes and go to nursery and sing catchy little songs round the campfire. No: pigs are farmed and slaughtered and sliced into delicious bacon that gives us cancer and we die. The sooner we all admit this to ourselves, the better.

Hope that helps,

Holly