Pop 'lesbians' to face bull dyke challenge

FEMALE recording artists who claim to have raunchy lesbian tendencies must spend a night locked in with a minotaur-like ‘diesel dyke’, it has been announced.

With 94% of lady singers now professing some degree of career-boosting attraction to their own gender, the newly-formed Campaign for Real Lesbianism in Music has coerced the ‘big four’ record labels into introducing its so-called ‘Dungeon Test’.

A CRLM spokeswoman said: “This may be a painful process for those involved – featuring as it does a stern, Popeyed-armed she-trucker called Maxie with pierced eyeballs, rockabilly quiff that smells like a seagulls’ nest and a latex schlong bigger than a small pig – but it’s a necessary evil.

“Touching tongues with Britney Spears or commenting on Rhianna’s arse does not make you a lesbian or bisexual or whatever slavering Nuts readers want to hear any more than enjoying the odd can of Kaliber makes you George Best.

“Hence any female celebrity planning to profess a taste for vagina must first spend 12 hours with Maxie in the dimly-lit ‘rumpus dungeon’.”

She added: “This isn’t just about perpetuating the old stereotype of gay women as brutal hairy-arsed cellar dwellers – although that is pretty much how Maxie rolls. Rather she will, in the manner of a greasy sphinx, ask dungeon candidates to name three KD Lang albums and efficiently disassemble a motorbike.

“If they fail this basic test, then it’s party time. Until two hours after the lube runs out.”

Teenage boy Stephen Malley said: “I dislike the phenomenon of famous girls being all a bit lesbian because it makes my own fantasies of girls kissing in the shower seem pedestrian and corporate. I no longer feel sordid and I’m not into that.

“Interestingly, I wonder if girls are turned on by the idea of Wyclef getting it on with Michael Buble.”

Nikki Hollis, a girl, said: “We are not.”


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Downing Street releases picture of Clegg

PRIME minister David Cameron has released a photograph of the mangled remains of Nick Clegg.

The picture shows the Lib Dem leader’s lifeless body after he was taken down by an elite coalition deal with the Conservatives.

Sources say Mr Clegg fought like a girl before the coalition agreement put a bullet in his head, just above the left eye.

The demise of Clegg is the culmination of a carefully planned year-long mission by Downing Street to absolutely fuck him up.

A senior Conservative source said: “We got a lucky break and were able to coax him into coalition negotiations about a year ago. At that point we were pretty sure we had him.

“He grasped at our offer of a voting reform referendum, little realising that it was actually a trap.”

The source added: “This was not a kill or capture mission. We wanted to fuck him up really, really badly. So badly that his own party wouldn’t recognise him.

“And we managed to trap him, discover his weaknesses and bring him down without resorting to torture. That said we have been torturing Vince Cable anyway. I cannot recommend it highly enough.”

A Downing Street insider said the release of the photo would help convince voters that they will not see Mr Clegg ‘walk this earth again’, adding: “We did worry about inflaming Lib Dem anger, but then we thought ‘fuck that’.”

Mr Cameron said last night: “We got him.”

He added: “The termination of Nick Clegg does not mean the end of the Liberal Democrats quite yet, but it does give us hope that we can soon return to decent, honest two party politics without these grubby, two-faced little shits getting in the way.”