Pope to shoehorn Jesus into airport chaos story

POPE Benedict will somehow manage to crowbar Jesus into the airport chaos story when he delivers tomorrow’s Thought for the Day on Radio Four.

The Pontiff will tell the Today programme audience that being stranded at an international hub is a bit like one of the things Jesus went through or had an opinion about.

He will say: “This week thousands of people have had their travel plans disrupted by the bad weather. This harsh December reminds me of my childhood when the bitter northern wind would blow and all we had to keep us warm was a large pile of books written by communists and Jews.

“But of course Jesus never saw snow, because he lived in Galilee where the average temperature at this time of year is a balmy 22 degrees centigrade. Although now he lives in heaven where he will be able to see the snow falling from above the clouds. I wonder what that looks like?

“However, I suspect if he was trapped in terminal three, waiting for an EL AL flight to Tel Aviv to spend Christmas with his mum, he would have reflected on the hectic pace of modern life, with its jet travel, its chai tea lattes and its 24-hour media full of hysterical nonsense about kiddy fiddling that he would have had the good sense to take with a hefty pinch of salt.

“And after delivering these observations via the Heathrow tannoy system, I imagine Jesus would have then wandered among the huddled passengers, looking at them intently with his serene but piercing blue eyes before touching them in a very special way.

“And of course, it almost goes without saying that he would also have spent a good 20 minutes in the bogs putting gaffer tape across the coins slots in all the johnny bag machines.”

The Pope will add: “And so it is at this special time of year particularly when we remember that badly run, snow-bound airports and Jesus are really the same thing.”

The Pontiff only agreed to the Today guest spot after BBC executives promised to use special technology to prevent the broadcast being picked up by Britain’s homosexual radios.

A BBC spokesman said: “He wasn’t so fussed about the atheists as he reckons he can use the invisible waves to beam some high-strength voodoo right into the middle of their kitchens.”



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Your astrological week ahead, with Psychic Bob

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Silence around the Christmas dinner table as your uncle says he hasn’t seen that much meat stuffed up the same bird since he was in Bangkok with the Merchant Navy.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
You prove that nothing is impossible after achieving a thunderous orgasm in full view of the Queen’s Speech while your partner wears a pair of foam antlers and a red plastic nose.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
The Sound Of Music, lashings of tinsel, quality time with your mum. So what do gay people do at Christmas then?

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Sleigh bells ring, are you listening? In the lane, snow is glistening. And has been for about three weeks actually. Fucking piece of shit council can kiss my arse.

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
Get invited back next year by telling your niece that a pregnant girl who says she’s a virgin is what’s known in the trade as a ‘lying, two-faced scrubber’.

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
You’re running through the snowbound airport in your sweaty vest, AK47 blasting, and thinking ‘this is almost as bad as last year at the wife’s staff Christmas party’. Only this time there’s terrorists.

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
Your grandmother’s presents have always been educational and this year’s will teach you that Poundland does gift vouchers. Good old British Gas.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
He knows when you are sleeping, he knows when you’re awake, he knows when you’ve been bad or good but apparently he doesn’t know you wouldn’t wear an M&S v-neck jumper even if it was weaved from Scarlett Johansson’s quim thatch.

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
Finding the shilling in the Christmas pudding backfires as you’re press-ganged onto a dreadnought headed for the Battle of Trafalgar. That could be quite sore.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
You finally have your fill of turkey when, on January 5th, your partner fashions a rudimentary sex toy from an off-colour drumstick.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
You’re on the phone to the Advertising Standards Authority on Boxing Day when your Iceland Christmas party pack turns out to be less like a cross between Moulin Rouge and Loose Women and more like the taste of hollowed-out, deep-fried despair.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
You’ve given your nephew a toy drum and his own bodyweight in sweets, revealed the plot of Eastenders and told your sister-in-law what happened on your brother’s stag do in Prague. Time for a well earned sherry.