POPE Benedict will somehow manage to crowbar Jesus into the airport chaos story when he delivers tomorrow’s Thought for the Day on Radio Four.
The Pontiff will tell the Today programme audience that being stranded at an international hub is a bit like one of the things Jesus went through or had an opinion about.
He will say: “This week thousands of people have had their travel plans disrupted by the bad weather. This harsh December reminds me of my childhood when the bitter northern wind would blow and all we had to keep us warm was a large pile of books written by communists and Jews.
“But of course Jesus never saw snow, because he lived in Galilee where the average temperature at this time of year is a balmy 22 degrees centigrade. Although now he lives in heaven where he will be able to see the snow falling from above the clouds. I wonder what that looks like?
“However, I suspect if he was trapped in terminal three, waiting for an EL AL flight to Tel Aviv to spend Christmas with his mum, he would have reflected on the hectic pace of modern life, with its jet travel, its chai tea lattes and its 24-hour media full of hysterical nonsense about kiddy fiddling that he would have had the good sense to take with a hefty pinch of salt.
“And after delivering these observations via the Heathrow tannoy system, I imagine Jesus would have then wandered among the huddled passengers, looking at them intently with his serene but piercing blue eyes before touching them in a very special way.
“And of course, it almost goes without saying that he would also have spent a good 20 minutes in the bogs putting gaffer tape across the coins slots in all the johnny bag machines.”
The Pope will add: “And so it is at this special time of year particularly when we remember that badly run, snow-bound airports and Jesus are really the same thing.”
The Pontiff only agreed to the Today guest spot after BBC executives promised to use special technology to prevent the broadcast being picked up by Britain’s homosexual radios.
A BBC spokesman said: “He wasn’t so fussed about the atheists as he reckons he can use the invisible waves to beam some high-strength voodoo right into the middle of their kitchens.”