Richard Madeley's Middle England guide to Kendrick Lamar vs Drake, and other rap beefs

KENDRICK Lamar has comprehensively dissed Drake on a new track. If you’re confused by this and other rap beefs, who better to explain than Good Morning Britain’s Richard Madeley?

Ice Cube vs NWA

After a royalties dispute with NWA, Mr Cube released No Vaseline, which I didn’t understand at all. Judy and I always keep some vaseline in the house because it’s handy for cuts and grazes and does exactly the same job as expensive moisturiser. Then I discovered Mr Cube meant NWA were being sodomised without lubricant by their manager! I’m sorry but I don’t think these lyrics are appropriate for a song impressionable young people might hear and attempt to copy.

Kendrick Lamar vs Drake

Goodness knows what this is about. Lamar has told Drake: ‘I hate the way that you walk, the way that you talk, I hate the way that you dress.’ Lamar is entitled to his opinion, but these are issues that could be better addressed in an email. If we all went around rapping about things that annoy us we’d be living in a madhouse! I’d be going ‘Where did I put that Phillips screwdriver?’ and ‘Stop being a superior cow, Susanna’ all the time!

50 Cent vs The Game

Apparently 50 Cent’s grievance was that his record label delayed the release of his LP so it wouldn’t clash with The Game’s. This sparked a lengthy dispute and 50 apparently ‘kicked The Game out of G-Unit’. I’m not entirely sure what a G-Unit is. It sounds like something to do with air-conditioning, so quite frankly only an accredited heating engineer should be in there in the first place. 

Stormzy vs Wiley

Wiley was annoyed that Stormzy had worked with Ed Sheeran, saying he was ‘just using grime’. Sounds like jealousy to me, because who wouldn’t leap at the chance to work with a musical genius like Ed? Then he dragged Stormzy’s mother into it, saying he would ‘rip that weave off her head’. Stormzy responded by rapping that Wiley had a ‘death wish’. I’ve met Stormzy and he’s a giant of a man. Threatening someone’s mother just isn’t on, so if Stormzy pulls Wiley’s arms off like Chewbacca he will have no one to blame but himself.

Nas vs Jay-Z

I warn you, this is the most disgusting thing I have ever heard. Jay-Z invited Nas to be on one of his songs, but he didn’t turn up. This escalated into a lengthy beef which culminated in Jay-Z recording Supa Ugly, in which he claimed to have had sexual relations with Nas’s girlfriend and left male deposits in Nas’s car. What sort of twisted mind comes up with a thing like that? Just the thought of Jay-Z smearing his ejaculate on the seat of my three-litre Jaguar XJ makes me feel sick, as it would any decent car-owner.

Eminem vs various artists 

Eminem has had ‘beefs’ with numerous artists including Everlast, Ja Rule and Machine Gun Kelly, and I haven’t heard of any of them. Nonetheless, my solution would be to sit down in the pub and sort out your differences man-to-man over a pint of Guinness. And maybe Eminem should start listening to better music people have actually heard of! I’ve always enjoyed the records of The Bangles, and the girls are very pretty, especially the singer.

Tupac vs Biggie

This one rings a bell. Tupac believed Biggie had a role in him being shot and seriously wounded in 1994, so he released Hit Em Up calling him a ‘fat motherf**ker’. Then Tupak got killed, and so did Biggie, which I think shows how easily a bit of good-natured ribbing can get out of hand. My advice is this: if you think a rapper is trying to shoot you, for God’s sake call Crimestoppers. If Tupac had raised his concerns with the police instead of rapping about it, perhaps he would still be alive and making beef records. Food for thought.

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If you listen closely you can hear the Tories crashing and burning

THE public has been informed that if they stand still and the wind is blowing in the right direction, they will actually be able to hear the Conservative party imploding.

Experts say the Tories are expected to perform so badly at today’s local elections that their defeat will be audible with the naked ear, provided atmospheric conditions are right and you take your AirPods out for once.

Professor of politics Norman Steele said: “The sound of the Conservatives collapsing is a rare and quite beautiful phenomenon which puts solar eclipses and the aurora borealis to shame.

“As comforting as rain drumming on the roof of a tent, more seismic than huge chunks of the Antarctic ice sheet crashing into the sea, we even have foreign visitors travelling to the UK just to hear it.

“Listen out for a faint murmur of doomed wailing coming from the direction of Blackpool, Basildon or Gloucester. That’s a sure sign the spectacularly disastrous rout is underway.

“This could build into a powerful hum of despair and denial if Bolton and Milton Keynes vote Labour. And possibly a loud bang similar to a sonic boom if Kent County Council turns red. If you live in those areas it might be worth having some ear protectors to hand.”

He added: “Of course, if Reform does unexpectedly well the anguish will be universal and deafening.”