Seaside towns in winter: A visitor's guide to a bleak day out

FANCY a trip to the seaside to blow the cobwebs away? Here are some tips for a cold and miserable day out:

Don’t leave too early

The weak winter sun won’t manage to illuminate the world properly until at least 10am, so there’s no point in leaving early. Don’t risk public transport as the train will most likely be cancelled and the bus routes have all been slashed. Driving is preferable, as parking spaces will be the only thing in plentiful supply during your visit.

Dress appropriately

Don’t bother harbouring any fantasies that the sun will be warm enough for you to sit on the beach for a while. It will be f**king freezing, blowing a gale and, even if the clouds do break long enough for you to stop and admire the view, a seagull will immediately shit on your head. Head-to-toe waterproofs are vital.

Do zero research

Don’t bother checking if any local attractions or amenities are open before you set off, or you won’t go. The water park is only open during August, the beach donkeys have got frostbite and the museum of local curiosities is now a McDonald’s. The only thing open is the amusement arcade, where you will feed 30 quids’ worth of 2ps into the coin pusher machine while quietly weeping.

Sample the local cuisine

An essential part of a day out at a British seaside town is sampling the local food, which means eating chips for every meal. If you’re lucky, the place you choose will have a reputation for culinary excellence and you’ll be offered a slop of curry sauce on top, as well as enough salt and vinegar to give you instant heartburn. Top your dinner off with a stick of rock, which will break a filling as well as making you feel sick. Bon appétit!

Purchase a souvenir

Buy a keepsake from one of the seafront tat emporiums, like a fridge magnet or tea towel, to remind you of the exhausting efforts you’ve made to produce a smile for numerous selfies. But, because you didn’t notice the tiny sign outlining the restrictions, the most memorable souvenir you will have of this wasted day is a 60 quid parking ticket.

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Freak actually follows through on only staying for one pint

A MAN who claimed he was only staying out for one pint has disturbed and frightened his friends by sticking to his promise.

Joe Turner was adamant he could only have a single drink as he wanted an early night, which his mates assumed meant he would still be knocking back tequila shots with them at midnight.

Emma Bradford said: “We all know that ‘staying for one’ is something you say when you know you’re up for a big session but you don’t want everyone to think you’re a massive pisshead.

“I was fully expecting Joe to be boozing with us until we got chucked out at closing time, and then come back to mine for a couple of bottles of wine and a spliff, but he calmly drank his pint and then left.

“We know he did Dry January, but we’re shocked that things have gone this far. Perhaps it’s some kind of unpleasant lingering symptom of a month of sobriety?

“There was even some suspicion that his pint might have been non-alcoholic. But, honestly, I don’t want to consider that right now. It would be too much of a betrayal.”