Seven acceptably woke celebrity sexual fantasies for Generation Z

FANTASISING about sex with celebrities is bound to be ‘problematic’ these days, which is bad news for Gen Z. But it’s probably okay if you keep things as woke as possible. Like this.

Visiting the International Slavery Museum with Rachel Zegler

What could be more erotic than learning about the unimaginable cruelty of the 18th century slave trade with Snow White hottie Rachel Zegler? And it’s infinitely preferable to the premiere of the actual film. She’ll be in a foul mood after seeing that pile of woke bollocks, so no chance of a shag there.

A candlelit vegan dinner with Joaquin Phoenix 

PETA supporter Joaquin has been vegan since the age of three. In your fantasy he cooks you his signature dish: boiled aubergine in cabbage sauce. You talk for hours about the redundancy of animal testing due to breakthroughs in computer modelling of biological systems. You retire to bed and lick caramelised onion sorbet off each other’s naked bodies, before having great sex interrupted only by his neighbours banging on the wall telling you to keep the flatulence down.

Sex in the toilets of the Pankhurst Centre with Brie Larson

The Suffragettes are a no-brainer for a date with Brie. She’s mad keen on female empowerment, and you don’t get more empowered than challenging the male-dominated sport of horse racing. She’ll be so excited by the Suffragettes being totally awesome girl bosses that you’re guaranteed a frantic shag in the toilets within an hour of arriving. This fantasy could plausibly be expanded into several more visits because it’s not as if she’s going to be busy with Captain Marvel films.

Timothée Chalamet is your sexy geography teacher

Preternaturally gorgeous Timothée is, to his credit, pretty serious about his support for #MeToo and Black Lives Matter. And as one of Hollywood’s younger stars, why not cast him in your imagination as a sexy geography teacher fresh from his PGCE? Your shared passion for oxbow lakes would grow into forbidden love, culminating in mind-blowing outdoor sex on a trip to the Gower Peninsula, noted for its meanders and silt deposits.

A weekend in bed with Jada Pinkett Smith

MILF Jada isn’t just a pretty face – she’s also one of the world’s leading historians, as evidenced by her painstakingly researched documentary Queen Cleopatra. In your fantasy a sexy weekend turns into Jada opening your mind to the truth about history: Cleopatra was black, as were Henry V and Jane Austen; Shaka Zulu invented the jet engine; Nelson Mandela painted the Mona Lisa. And of course nasty Idi Amin was actually a white man in blackface. It’s so mind-expanding you forget to have sex, but your woke principles are more important, right?

Illicit sex with Donald Glover on Smugglers Run

Who wouldn’t want to shag the young Lando Calrissian? This fantasy takes a bit of planning, but basically you’d need to go to Disneyland Florida and hide in the Star Wars bit when the park shuts down, then break into the Smugglers Run ride and have sex in the Millennium Falcon. Donald would probably be really into this – in fact he’s probably tried it himself in real life. If you’re very broadminded you could have a pansexual threesome with L3-37, and since it’s your fantasy you could make her less annoying.

Jane Fonda movie marathon with Jane Fonda 

Okay, Hanoi Jane is 85 now, but in a fantasy you can simply turn the clock back to Barbarella or Barefoot in the Park. That’s disgustingly ageist, but Gen Zers can probably cope with a bit more self-imposed guilt on top of slavery, imperialism, etc. The main thing is Jane’s woke credentials are impeccable – she’s supported more causes than the Viet Cong had rice dinners. And as nights in go, you can’t really complain about sex with Jane Fonda then Klute.

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Looks like our ride on this crazy bigoted right-wing rollercoaster is coming to an end. By Fox and Wootton

I’M Laurence Fox, he’s Dan Wootton, and our suspension from GB News surely means we’ve come to the end of our ride on the right-wing rollercoaster of hate.

LAURENCE: It’s been a hell of a ride for both of us. I like to feel that, each in our own way, we’ve poisoned the well of national debate over the last decade just by being arseholes.

DAN: Well, some of us have been in the trenches a lot longer than others, Laurence. You only came out as a slicked-back twat in a biker jacket on Question Time just before the pandemic. I did my apprenticeship in pure evil with the News of the World.

LAURENCE: I was in Lewis. But has there ever been a time until now, with you facing those allegations, when you’ve regretted giving in to your worst instincts at all times?

DAN: Lawrence, never once. How could I, when I’ve been lavishly rewarded for it? Same for you of course. Nobody gave a f**k about Lewis, but after a year of carefully just-over-the line racism you’re running for mayor.

LAURENCE: Did you call me Lawrence? With a ‘W’? The Reform Party got an MP, actually. Anyway, about those allegations: any truth to them? Because you are gay.

DAN: Talking of allegations, ever think it’d be the old sexism that brought you down, Lozza? Coming out with ‘I wouldn’t shag that’ on air, even if it was only GB News?

LAURENCE: Badge of pride, isn’t it? Suspended from GB News, the pair of us, squabbling like children, no longer employable by even the smallest, most slipshod, rabidly vicious organisation.

DAN: You and I are a real pair of bad boys, Lol.

LAURENCE: That’s monetisable. Don’t call me f**king Lol.