Seven-year-old can tell X Factor is shit

THE X FACTOR is obviously just a lot of shit, a seven-year-old child has confirmed.

Caitlin Muir, who watches the show with her mother and sister, said that despite the bright colours and people cheering, it is clear the ITV programme is a waste of her valuable time.

Muir said: “Obviously, I’m not eloquent enough to go into any great detail, I just have a very strong gut feeling.

“I could be watching someone sing a song and then cry on TV, or I could be in the garden, pretending I’m an airplane.

“Assuming you’re even vaguely intelligent, what would you rather do?”

An ITV spokesman said: “Britain is in full agreement that The X Factor is a really great show for the whole family. If your child doesn’t enjoy it you might want to ask yourself what you’re doing wrong.

“Or perhaps you should just go and live somewhere else?”

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Procrastinator discovers this is the best he can do

A MAN is recovering from the realisation that he is no better even if he tries really hard.

After spending the last 35 years coasting through education, work and relationships, Wayne Hayes had long held the mistaken belief that his life would improve if he just applied himself.

Hayes said: “I slogged my guts out for a month for the first time in my entire life. You can imagine my dismay when I discovered it made absolutely no difference and me at my absolute best is only about one per cent better than me half-arsing things.

“Having a mediocre life because you lack ambition is one thing but to have a mediocre that you absolutely deserve is quite different.”

Hayes has gone on to try and read some ‘important’ books before realising he did not understand them after all. He is currently writing the first and only chapter of an absolutely dreadful novel.

The shock of his averageness caused him to split with his perfectly nice partner of five years and his experience on Tinder has made him realise he has no chance with the beautiful women he always thought he could pull if he just made an effort.

Hayes said: “I imagine this is what supporting Newcastle United must feel like.”