ROUND at your parents’ when your mother innocently starts joining in with a suggestive pop song? Here are some sexy mum classics to make you want to curl up and die.
No, just no. It’s bad enough hearing octogenarian Tom Jones singing ‘And baby you can turn me on’ but your mum chiming in increases the cringe factor tenfold. Who exactly is your mum’s ‘sex bomb’? Plastic-faced Tom? Your dad? It’s all horrible. Just pray she doesn’t look at you while she’s vacantly warbling away.
Like A Virgin
Wrong on more levels than shagging a dog in a high-rise lift. Your mum will blithely sing along without appearing to notice the actual meaning of the lyrics. Meanwhile you’re trying to blot out hideous imaginings of her fumbling cocks at sixth-form discos. It’s immeasurably better for your mental health to believe your parents are asexual organisms, like flatworms.
I Kissed A Girl
This is such an infectious, bouncy little number she’ll merrily join in without a second thought about it referring to dabbling in lesbianism and loving it. Your dad’s ears have pricked up too, which is even worse because you know some debased fantasy is fomenting in his head involving your mum and the unfortunate Katy Perry.
Knowing Me, Knowing You
Your mother loves ABBA, obviously. She’s that age. And while you can just about tolerate her singing along to Super Trouper or Waterloo, you know she’ll try to do a husky, sexy voice for the ‘A-haaah’ bit of this. At which point your mind will be flooded with confusing sexual images of Agnetha, your mum, and Alan Partridge in a posing pouch.
Saving All My Love For You
Your mother likes Whitney so much she’s watched The Bodyguard 20 times. Despite this she’s not realised this immediately recognisable ditty is actually about shagging away from home. And the thought of your mum ‘making love the whole night through-oo-ooh’ – even with your dad, never mind some bloke she met in the queue at Tesco – will have you wanting to heave.
Sex On Fire
The Kings of Leon have a lot to answer for. An endless procession of shit covers bands badly belting this out is painful enough, but your mum? She seems not to have twigged that the song is referring to wild, hell-for-leather sex in various situations. Maybe she thinks it’s about her cystitis.