Sex Bomb, and other songs your mum shouldn't sing along to

ROUND at your parents’ when your mother innocently starts joining in with a suggestive pop song? Here are some sexy mum classics to make you want to curl up and die.

Sex Bomb

No, just no. It’s bad enough hearing octogenarian Tom Jones singing ‘And baby you can turn me on’ but your mum chiming in increases the cringe factor tenfold. Who exactly is your mum’s ‘sex bomb’? Plastic-faced Tom? Your dad? It’s all horrible. Just pray she doesn’t look at you while she’s vacantly warbling away.

Like A Virgin

Wrong on more levels than shagging a dog in a high-rise lift. Your mum will blithely sing along without appearing to notice the actual meaning of the lyrics. Meanwhile you’re trying to blot out hideous imaginings of her fumbling cocks at sixth-form discos. It’s immeasurably better for your mental health to believe your parents are asexual organisms, like flatworms.

I Kissed A Girl

This is such an infectious, bouncy little number she’ll merrily join in without a second thought about it referring to dabbling in lesbianism and loving it. Your dad’s ears have pricked up too, which is even worse because you know some debased fantasy is fomenting in his head involving your mum and the unfortunate Katy Perry.

Knowing Me, Knowing You

Your mother loves ABBA, obviously. She’s that age. And while you can just about tolerate her singing along to Super Trouper or Waterloo, you know she’ll try to do a husky, sexy voice for the ‘A-haaah’ bit of this. At which point your mind will be flooded with confusing sexual images of Agnetha, your mum, and Alan Partridge in a posing pouch.

Saving All My Love For You

Your mother likes Whitney so much she’s watched The Bodyguard 20 times. Despite this she’s not realised this immediately recognisable ditty is actually about shagging away from home. And the thought of your mum ‘making love the whole night through-oo-ooh’ – even with your dad, never mind some bloke she met in the queue at Tesco – will have you wanting to heave.

Sex On Fire

The Kings of Leon have a lot to answer for. An endless procession of shit covers bands badly belting this out is painful enough, but your mum? She seems not to have twigged that the song is referring to wild, hell-for-leather sex in various situations. Maybe she thinks it’s about her cystitis.

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How to brazenly buy condoms

PURCHASING condoms is inherently awkward, even though it suggests you are having sex, which makes you incredibly cool. Start buying them confidently with this guide.

Buy the biggest box possible

Small boxes of three condoms are for pussies, so to speak. You should be looking to buy a carton of at least 12, but ideally 50 or more. If possible, get the box from one of those see-through security containers so the cashier has to go through the faff of opening it. That will make sure everyone nearby is impressed by you buying little latex windsocks for your dick.

Don’t use the self-checkout

Only pathetic little boys sheepishly scan their condoms through the self-checkout. Real men stride right up to a member of staff, proudly slam their johnnies down on the counter, then grab the nearest cucumber in a display of how comfortable they feel. Chicks dig this sort of confidence, so you’ll probably pull while you’re paying too.

Bring your partner along

Make it 100 per cent indisputably clear that you are porking like a champion by bringing your partner along for the ride. While paying, nod at the cashier and say ‘No prizes for guessing what we’re doing with these later’ and shoot them a cheeky wink. This still leaves room for doubt though, so bluntly state that you’ll be using the condoms for sexual intercourse in about seven hours.

Bulk buy

A prolific shagger such as yourself needs to purchase an industrial amount of condoms. Once the first box has been scanned, excuse yourself and dash off to pick up some more. The long queue of customers waiting behind you will be in awe as you stagger back to the till with a precarious tower of prophylactics. As you set them down, be sure to use the classic quip: ‘This should last me until tomorrow.’

Ask if there are other types out the back

You can only see the regular condoms, but you’re looking for the flavoured ones and that kind that has the little bumps on them. Flag down a member of staff and nag them to look in the warehouse for what you’re after. Or better yet, get them to make a deafening announcement over the tannoy. If you don’t ask, you don’t get.

Make small talk with the cashier

Condoms are traditionally acquired in uncomfortable silence, as both you and the cashier try to ignore the implications of your purchase. Power through potential awkwardness by asking them if they have any weekend plans or if they’ve seen any good movies lately. If the conversation stalls, cut to the chase and say: ‘Yep, these are going on my cock.’