Shit films better than good ones

SHIT films are far more enjoyable than actual good films, it has been confirmed.

Researchers found that award-winning films of undeniable quality, including Frost/Nixon and 12 Years A Slave, are far less watchable than anything starring Jason Statham.

A study proved that if subjects were restricted to either Lars von Trier’s acclaimed Breaking the Waves or Jean-Claude van Damme’s Hard Target for 12 months, they would watch the former once and the latter around 400 times.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Everyone knows this. Flick channels and see Citizen Kane, you keep flicking. Ace Ventura: When Nature Calls? That’s you for the night.

“Unfortunately the human capacity to lie to ourselves means even the best of us claim to prefer tedious Oscar-winner The Hours to openly crap rom-com Friends With Benefits, even though that could not possibly be true.

“Interestingly the effect is reduced by time, which is why nobody bothers to pretend 1984’s Amadeus is better than Ghostbusters. Because it isn’t.”

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'Ancient spirits of evil, transform this decayed form to Mumm-Ra' says Bannon every morning

TRUMP advisor Steve Bannon begins his day by invoking powers of ancient evil, it has emerged.

Bannon, who looks like he got dressed in a bush with clothes he found hanging off a tree, is thought to say the line as some sort of ‘pep talk’.

Hotel worker Caroline Ryan said: “I was outside his room this morning when I heard him saying it very loudly.

It was then followed by the sound of huge gusts of wind flying through the windows and the distant sound of Thundercats readying for battle.

When I got in to change his towels, he wasn’t there and there was just a hint of sulphur in the air. There were a few bandages and a red cape on the floor to for some reason.”

I changed his towels but to be honest I don’t think he used the ones from the night before. None of the shower gel had been used either, not that I’m casting aspersions or anything.”