THE BBC is bound by law to make a big f**king deal of the Jubilee, so here are six shows it’s shoe-horning the celebration into:
The Repair Shop Jubilee Special, tonight at 8pm
Can Jay Blades and the team fix the whole broken system of constitutional monarchy by which Britain is run when the Queen brings it in? No. So they edited that out, denied it ever happened, and are repairing a clockwork dancing Coronation biscuit tin or some shit.
EastEnders, tomorrow at 7.30pm
Mick and Linda are preparing for the Jubilee when Charles and Camilla pop round. They bond instantly, Camilla loses Highgrove on a high-stakes card game, Charles admits he’s just given Lauren one over the Arthur Fowler Memorial Bench, a fight starts and everyone is miserable forever.
Jubilee Takeover at BBC News 24, all weekend
Instead of reporting actual news that matters, for example a government teetering on collapse or a country in financial crisis, the BBC’s news teams, respected the world over, will spend four days reporting meaningless monarchical pageantry as if it f**king matters.
Pointless Royal Special, Friday at 5.15pm
Richard Osman and the team attempt to work out just what the point is of a country sliding into poverty maintaining a hugely expensive dynasty of useless inbreds like a pauper keeping a golden cage of jewel-adorned poodles. Can they do it?
Strictly Come Dancing Platinum Edition, Saturday at 8.10pm
The professionals and a celebrity line-up come together for a one-off show themed around Royal infidelity. Watch Katya Jones and Evan Davies as Mrs Simpson and Edward VIII, Ben Miller and Nancy Xu as Prince Philip and a Profumo sex party ‘hostess’, and a special surprise appearance by Prince William and a friend’s wife he’s knocking off.
Peaky Blinders Coronation Special, Sunday 9pm
A very special episode of Peaky Blinders jumps Tommy Shelby forward to the 1953 Coronation. The gang have the only warehouse full of colour televisions in the country and demand is booming, but Greek mobsters are moving in. Watch blood splatter against the screen as the Queen is crowned while Tommy severs jugulars with a straight razor.