ARE you a Tory MP trying to work out whether Boris Johnson is f**ked enough for you to hand in a letter of no confidence? Here’s how to decide.
Where is your constituency?
If you’re in a Cotswolds safe seat where people would vote Conservative even if Boris Johnson personally shat in their beds, you can afford to hold off. But if you’re a Red Wall MP who scraped in thanks to Brexit and nothing else, at least look like you’re standing up to the posh Etonian who’s blatantly taking the piss.
How big is your majority?
If it’s chuffing massive, you can do what you want, but if you’re clinging on by a few hundred votes you need to play it carefully. Or throw caution to the wind and see what happens. There are other jobs more fulfilling than being an MP, you know. Oh. You don’t, because you’re a self-important politics obsessive who craves attention but has no obvious showbiz talent.
Are you desperate for a promotion?
Fancy a go in the cabinet? Now’s your chance, as Johnson is reportedly phoning anyone who’ll listen and promising them a promotion in exchange for their support. Bear in mind your new post will not last very long, and you’ll have to do the morning media round defending Boris trying to shag a Mummy Pig animatronic at Peppa Pig World, or whatever he’s done this time.
Are you scared of the alternative?
Boris is bad, but what if the Tories end up with someone just as inept but without the bullshit charisma to make people vote for them? Liz Truss and Michael Gove are favourites, but do you really want those wankers as your boss? They might get you voted out even quicker than your current one.
Have you got any morals?
Do you genuinely believe poor old Boris is dim enough not to realise when he’s at a party? Then do the right thing and stick by the unobservant chap. However, if you lack morals then bosh your letter in now. You can always retract it later if he clings on. That’s the great thing about politics – you can be completely unprincipled and all the other self-serving bastards won’t judge you for it.