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Six good reasons why the hot girl at a gig won't talk to you

STRUGGLING to start a conversation with the hot girl who has blessed a gig with her presence? These are the sound reasons she is ignoring you.

She doesn’t have to talk to you

You may be the main character in your own life, but to everyone else you’re practically part of the scenery. Nobody is under any obligation to talk to you, outside of curt pleasantries if they happen to be serving you in a shop. A hot girl at a gig is well within her rights to tell you to f**k off if you so much as breathe near her.

80 per cent of men are creeps

And that’s a conservative estimate. For all she knows you’re a disgusting weirdo who’d take photos of her feet to sell on the internet at the first opportunity. Trying to convince her otherwise by staring in her direction and shooting a nervous smile will not help your case. Plus her boyfriend might be present and he’d beat you up.

You’re old

You’ve come to see a band that’s got heavy airplay on Radio 6 because you’re middle-aged. She’s in the crowd because they remind her of her dad and the tickets were on offer. You are not the same. Even if she asked you where the toilets were, you wouldn’t be able to hear her dulcet tones over your tinnitus.

Social rules are in play

This is a gig, not a speed dating night. Your role as an audience member is to face the front and clap after every song, not try to strike up a conversation over deafening music. Besides, if a woman is at a gig alone it signals she has a level of confidence which puts her well out of your league.

She’s trying to listen to the band

Hearing the band play their songs is kind of the whole point of going to a gig. By talking over them you’re not only ruining an experience that required a lot of planning, you’re also creating a core memory in another person which portrays you as an annoying prick. Nobody is getting rinsed by Ticketmaster for that experience.

You don’t have anything interesting to say

If you were incredibly handsome and she was desperate, there’s a slim chance she might talk to you if you charm her with some witty repartee. Sadly all you can muster are some tedious stats about the band’s highest ever chart position and anecdotes she already knows about the lead singer. If you have to say anything, stick with a safe ‘sorry for bothering you’.

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Six horrific occupations to have in a heatwave that happily aren't yours

FEELING miserable about sweating in an office in July? Cheer yourself up by reflecting on the differences between these jobs and yours.

Roofer

You’re well out of this. On a roof you’re nearer the sun so it’s bound to be even hotter than at ground level. Sure, there are perks like wolf-whistling passing women and making lewd comments, but the success rate for actual relationships is probably low. Yes, being baked alive on a dangerous roof makes your inadequate office desk fan look like unimaginable luxury. Enjoy.

Chef

Professional kitchens are full of big metal boxes specifically designed to get up to 300 degrees, and you can’t open the windows because flies and wasps will get in. Suddenly reclining on a chair in a badly air-conditioned office doesn’t seem too bad. Chefs aren’t even allowed to sweat in case it drips on customers’ food. Could this perhaps be a new career direction for Andrew Mountbatten-Windsor? He should hand his CV in at Pizza Express.

Landscape gardener

Paving slabs weigh a f**king ton, as, surprisingly, do wheelbarrows full of topsoil. But that won’t stop people insisting they want their new patio down before their barbecue garden party at the weekend. There’s also shitloads more wasps’ nests when it’s hot, which you’ll discover when you’re cutting hedges. The only real danger of working in a hot office is brain damage from people repeatedly saying ‘Hot, isn’t it?’

Steam train boilerman

What an idyllic life, pootling through the Severn Valley in a cute heritage steam train. But not so much if you’re the unlucky f**ker shovelling coal onto a raging fire. And when you do finally stop at a rural station, you’ll be inundated with snotty-nosed little bastards and their parents wanting to take pictures with you. That has never happened to someone whose job is using spreadsheets.

Ice cream man

Sounds perfect, being surrounded by frozen sweet treats. But those freezer units pump out heat into the tiny metal box you’re encased in, while outside waits a baying horde of tiny bastards thrusting sweaty coins at you. Worse, your income is entirely dependent on the weather. Even the most miserable corporate drone doesn’t get their pay cut by 60 per cent because it was cold on Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. Although your company would like to try that.

Blast furnace worker

Anywhere hot enough to melt pig iron, copper and lead isn’t an ideal place to work in the summer. Frankly just the thought of it makes you feel a bit dizzy and relieved you passed your GCSEs. Your office may be deeply unpleasant and stuffy, but you’re pretty sure it’s not 1,300C.

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