Six kids' TV themes that would absolutely go the f**k off in the club

NIGHTCLUBS do not tend to play theme tunes from kids’ TV shows, but if they did these would raise the roof.


Everyone’s seen Thunderbirds, everyone loves Thunderbirds. But its theme tune is so good that it doesn’t even need to be carried by nostalgia. If the DJ cranked this one up the whole place would be on its feet drunkenly chanting along to the music. The Busted cover is pretty sick too, mainly because it steals the melody wholesale. Hard to go wrong when the source material is this amazing.

Grange Hill

The classic one from the Seventies, obviously. Its scritchy, funky beat can’t be topped, and its rhythm is slow enough that even dad dancers can get involved. You’d inevitably have a club bore trying to tell you that the song’s actually called Chicken Man and it was also used as the theme tune for Give Us A Clue, but hopefully the speakers would drown them out.

Bucky O’Hare

A banger from the days of Nineties cartoons that would explain their plot at length in the theme tune. And just like every other animation from back then that was effectively a toy advert, it comes at you with breakneck energy that would set the club bouncing. No mean feat considering it’s about the fight against a regime of fascist toads led by an evil supercomputer.

Byker Grove

The classic BBC coming-of-age series about a Newcastle youth centre had a suitably edgy theme tune that sounded like it came right out of the Acid House movement. Sure, it barely runs to 30 seconds, but you could easily loop it for five minutes and chuck on some reverb before anyone got bored. They’ll likely be too high to care anyway.

Fireman Sam

Perhaps not as beloved as Postman Pat, but you can’t exactly rave to his sleepy theme tune. Fireman Sam on the other hand doesn’t let up with the sirens and electric guitar. Seriously, there’s an extended version on YouTube and the solo is a masterpiece to behold. It’s baffling that the likes of Jay-Z and Snoop Dogg haven’t sampled it yet for an easy hit.

Round the Twist

The Mr Brightside of kids’ TV show themes. Put this one on and every Nineties kid will go mental as their eyes glaze over and they start to recite the lyrics without even being aware of what they’re doing. The words are embedded deep in their brains like a race memory, and for good reason. The song f**king slaps.

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Man angry at very thought of going to the cinema

A MAN asked on a cinema trip is seething at the very prospect of those he would have to sit near and what they would be loudly eating.

Nathan Muir was invited to a Saturday screening of The Creator by a friend who presumably enjoys trying to focus on a film while in a mosh pit of reeking pricks.

Muir said: “At the multiplex? With the sound of The Nun 2 bleeding through from next door? Alongside a load of nodding dogs chewing with their mouths open?

“Oh yeah, I’d love to come to sit behind some prick crunching f**king nachos, bathing in their cheese stink for hours. Next to a twat who gets his phone out every two minutes. In front of a couple who paid £9.99 each for a good long chat.

“There’s nothing like real moviegoing with six scrotes in the back row shouting knobhead catchphrases on a Saturday night, is there? And if you want to join the gnashing herds it’s a 40-minute queue and six f**king quid for a bag of Munchies.

“Would the film be enhanced by mouth-breathers? Snorters? Ice-rattling vermin who wouldn’t know a dialogue beat from a beating with a baseball bat? No thanks. I’ll watch it on demand.”

Friend Julian Cook said: “Yeah it was only so I wouldn’t have to talk to Nathan.”