Six routinely bullshit things that happen in every movie

COULD Tom Cruise scale the Burj Khalifa wearing digital gloves? Of course he f**king couldn’t, but it’s no less believable than these things we simply accept: 

Convenient television

Every criminal or unjustly accused fugitive who holes up in a motel flicks on the TV to find it’s displaying a news report about them. And do they watch it, hoping to find out what leads the police have to evade them for longer? No. The dickheads turn it straight off.

Magical computers

Your PC struggles to play a 720HP video on YouTube and always needs to update Adobe. Movie computers can zoom in on the hitherto unnoticed car in the background of a CCTV clip, then on the licence plate, then enhances that to reveal a reflection of the killer’s face, then enhances that to reveal the missing apostrophe on his neck tattoo.

Conversation in nightclubs

Nobody in a movie nightclub has to raise their voice, let alone drunkenly shout directly into someone’s ear while the other person pretends to hear what they’ve said, laughs, nods their head then sips their drink awkwardly while avoiding eye contact in case it was a question.

Phone etiquette

How do you end a phone call? By saying ‘bye’ repeatedly, yeah? Even a conversation with an anonymous call centre operative ends politely, unlike any movie conversation which ends with the caller hanging up the moment they’ve finished talking. It’s an approach that could pay real dividends in life, especially when your mum phones.

Hassle-free parking

No-one ever has to hunt for a parking space. They pull into a handy space right outside their destination, and no-one ever gets given a ticket either. The Fast and Furious films should be 90 per cent Vin Diesel circling the block saying ‘Are they going back to the car? Shit, that Kia’s got in before us.’

Nobody ever looks like shit

The protagonist makes a last-minute dash to his true love, and she opens the door and looks great. The hero’s been living in a shack in the woods for six years and he looks Hoxton-ready. Even when near-death, nobody looks as terrible as you do on an average weekday morning.

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Has Britain done enough to rescue the budgies of Kabul?

THE last flight has left Afghanistan. The occupation has ended. But one question still troubles millions of caring Britons: have we done enough to save the budgies of Kabul? 

Refugees have been rescued. Dogs and cats have been flown to our shores. Yet thousands of non-native budgerigars remain in the city which is now under Taliban control. Innocent of the ravages of war for two decades, they tweet peacefully in their cages.

Radical Islam is no friend to the budgie. And as natural mimics they could have picked up phrases – ‘Alright’ or ‘Hello mate’ – which make them targets.

As a nation of animal lovers, we have a responsibility to those birds. To abandon them to a land soon to be ravaged by war would be a stain on our country’s conscience forever.

Flights may have officially stopped. The US Army has pulled out. But we cannot leave those brave budgies to the mercy of the Taliban and Islamic State. We have a duty of care.

If American special forces could take out Osama Bin Laden, then the Paras and the SAS can go one better. Under cover of night they will land in Kabul and extract every last one of the budgies, whose cages will remain covered to prevent chirping.

Could it cause an international incident? Yes. Do we risk war? Yes. Is it worth it? Of course. While one budgerigar remains in Afghanistan, we must stop at nothing to save them.

If we do not, if we betray these budgies’ trust, then Britain is shamed as a nation. Morally, we have no other choice.