Starving Africans Looking Forward To Live Aid Drama

MALNOURISHED people across Africa have vowed to crawl to their nearest television to watch the BBC’s dramatisation of Live Aid.

The lavish, multi-million production saw hundreds of Africans flown over for filming before being returned to their landmine-strewn villages.

The BBC aslo rebuilt the massive Ethiopian refugee camps in their Shepperton studios by importing real Ethiopian dust and tin shanties, while the Dr Who special effects team has recreated the famous footage of the emaciated baby using state-of-the-art animatronics.

Meanwhile the starving mother will be a rare acting role for a blacked-up Cheryl Cole.

Producer Charlie Reeves said: “This is the story of the chalk and cheese relationship between Bob Geldof and Harvey Goldsmith, set against a backdrop of biblical suffering and civil war.

“We had a great time filming those famous scenes in the camps, and at one stage the actor playing Michael Buerk dropped the robot baby on its head.

“That thing cost eighty grand to make, but we all fell about laughing.”

Rwandan orphan Mto Ngalo said: “The very second I’ve finished looking for beans in this pile of dung I’m going to walk the 3400 miles to the nearest Dixons and watch it through the window.”

He added: “In my country Bob Geldof has been revered since the release of the first Boomtown Rats album. By the time of Live Aid he was viewed as almost a living god, and not just by himself.

“It’s good to know that in these difficult economic times, when malaria medicine and antibiotics can often cost a month’s wages, the BBC can still make quality drama. I just hope my untreated cataracts don’t prevent me from appreciating what I am sure will be some towering performances.”


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Cameron Beginning To Realise Exactly Who He's In Charge Of

PRIME minister David Cameron was on the brink of resignation last night
after finally realising what British people are actually like.

Downing Street insiders said that since learning of the Facebook tributes to idiot murderer Raoul Moat, Mr Cameron has become increasingly depressed and has talked about taking up watercolour painting and moving to Umbria.

A source said: “As prime minister it’s his ultimate responsibility to protect the British people from external and internal threats, but in the last few days he’s realised that he doesn’t want to.

“We were in a meeting the other day and he was very subdued and just kept staring out of the window until eventually he said, ‘is it just me, or are NHS survival rates far too high?’.

“He then started sketching out this plan to radically reform it so that it gets much better at killing people. Especially people with blogs.”

A senior cabinet minister added: “What he absolutely must not do is go onto Facebook, the Guardian or the Daily Mail and start reading through the comments.

“If he does then there’s every chance he will try to steal a nuclear submarine and give it to Iran. It’ll be a bit like Hunt for Red October except that it ends with a load of warheads pointed at 60 million twats.”

Constitutional historian, Denys Finch-Hatton, said: “I have always believed that the defence of the realm can only be guaranteed if the prime minster does not interact with ordinary people under any circumstances.

“Because if they do, they invariably walk away from the encounter thinking, ‘I hope that person dies incredibly soon’.”

But Nathan Muir, an utter fucking dick from Peterborough, said: “It’s his own fault. If he wants to be in charge of me then he has to accept me for what I am – which is unspeakable.

“Now if you’ll excuse me I have to finish my ‘Raoul Forever’ collage and update my ‘Get Well Soon Cheryl’ Facebook page.”