Diana In Heaven

The Big Man has brought in a new scheme to help make everybody’s deathday even better. He’s put together a catalogue of special powers and if it’s your anniversary, you get to choose one that you can have for one day only.

So anyway, last week the honour fell to Syd Barrett and Sir Arthur Conan Doyle’s turn. Barrett opted for the ability to swell his head up like a balloon so that he could float above everyone and fart clouds of pink gas everywhere. He looked like a twat.

Meanwhile Sir Arthur took advantage of the extendable handlebar moustache. Once applied to the face, the wearer can extend to the length of a hundred feet within a couple of seconds. Sir Arthur used it to catch the dead ones out of The Golden Girls and gently lick their faces before letting them go again. Cheeky bastard.

Back on Earth, my family made a few bob from selling off some of my old stuff the other day – heirlooms, works of art, anything that Burrell hadn’t been able to squirrel away.

But thanks to my ingenuity the best stuff is safe and sound. I’m talking about the painting of the dogs playing billiards, the limited edition 56-sided Rubik Cube that Chas gave me for a wedding present and, most of all, the signed 12″ of We Close Our Eyes by Go West.

You’ll have to dig up the Memorial Fountain to get your grubby little mitts on that lot – and I am always watching…

Just been chatting to St Peter – administrative snafu meant that nutcase Moat wound up at the Pearlies hoping for a VIP pass.

But Pete – old pro that he is – took one look at his file, one look at him and said ‘sorry mate, no trainers’.


Follow the People’s Princess at www.twitter.com/dianainheaven

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Your Astrological Week Ahead...

Psychic Bob

Cancer (21 JUN-22 JUL)
If you love somebody, set them free. Stockholm Syndrome is a wonderful thing.

Leo (23 JUL-22 AUG)
It’s a shame Twitter restricts me to 140 characters, because that’s not even close to being enough for me to truly express how much of a cu

Virgo (23 AUG-22 SEP)
You’re a lot like Marmite. It’s not that people either love you or hate you, it’s really about consistency and texture.

Libra (23 SEP-23 OCT)
An Australian man has broken into a zoo enclosure and tried to ride a crocodile. You should totally do that.

Scorpio (24 OCT-21 NOV)
Don’t worry about whether there’s the right amount of cinnamon in your custard tarts or whether the pastry is crisp enough – they’re only getting smeared into some fat bird’s arse.

Sagittarius (22 NOV-21 DEC)
This week you lob some petrol bombs at the police, making headlines around the world and leading to fears of a return to terrorism and war. And you were just a bit bored and pissed.

Capricorn (22 DEC-19 JAN)
Make your partner feel better about themselves by reacting to the news they’re leaving you by playing the Eastenders drum-roll on your belly.

Aquarius (20 JAN-19 FEB)
This week will see you mostly doing the fandango with some chap called Scaramouche. So that answers that question.

Pisces (20 FEB-20 MAR)
This week you are given a lift to New York by a prissy, boring, self-satisfied woman who does at least do a fairly convincing fake orgasm. Years later you will meet again and despite your fear of commitment and her unbearable personality you will fall in love and get married. But trust me, after about six months you’ll wish you had strangled her half an hour after getting in the car.

Aries (21 MAR-19 APR)
Still no word from Grand Designs about whether they want to film you putting in your new decking. Fingers crossed!

Taurus (20 APRIL – 20 MAY)
I don’t think it’s supposed to bend like that. Unless of course you want it to, in which case who the hell am I to go around judging people?

Gemini (21 MAY-20 JUN)
If you really do want to save £150 a year, forget cheaper car insurance and try going a week without whores and rum.