Television To Be Controlled By 200 Latent Homosexuals

ALL programmes and adverts shown on British television will have to be approved by a committee of 200 latent homosexuals, it was confirmed last night.

The Independent Television Commission has handed control of standards to a new body made up of men who are openly and publicly disgusted by the idea of all-male intimacy.

The men have already banned a series of adverts which depict two men kissing, hugging or enjoying a friendly wrestling match.

Tom Logan, a committee member from Norwich, said: "No longer will decent British families be subjected to inappropriate scenes that make you feel all strange and uncomfortable in a way you can't quite put your finger on but for some reason you have to go and stand in the garden for 20 minutes and take long, deep breaths and think about football.

"But not David Beckham. Absolutely not. What an ugly bugger he is, eh? He's got a face like a bag of spanners and the rippling abs and glistening thighs of an Olympian."

He added: "Did you know that in ancient Greece all the Olympic athletes used to compete in the nude? Can you imagine anything more repulsive?

"And as for the Spartans, well they may have been superbly sculpted warriors with powerful, glistening thighs and smooth, broad chests, but they were also a bunch of bum boys."

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Price Of Gas To Rise, Say Men Who Set The Price Of Gas

THE men who set the price of gas have predicted gas prices will rise by about 40%.

The bosses of Britain’s six biggest energy companies said the only control they had over the price of gas was deciding how much they were going to charge people for using it.

Paul Golby, chief executive of E.ON, said: “Given the volatile nature of the current market and the knock-on effect of high oil prices, it’s very difficult, at this stage, to predict how much more money I’m going to want.

“As a rough, ballpark figure I would say I’m probably going to want about 40% more money.”

Sam Laidlaw, head of Centrica, told the Commons enterprise select committee: “Russia, oil, global demand, gigantic yacht. I’m sorry did I say ‘gigantic yacht’? I meant ‘shortages’.”

But Andrew Duff, chief executive of Npower, said it was impossible to pinpoint the exact cause of rising prices, adding: “It’s totally the Russians’ fault. They’re all gangsters, you know.

“I met this Russian guy last week. You should have seen the size of his house. Christ on a fucking bike! And he’s got a leopard in his garden. I want a leopard.”

Mr Laidlaw added: “You there, more champagne!”