Guest Blog: Andy Murray

MY preparation for Wimbledon hasn’t been ideal. I was forced to pull out of the Sandwich Spread Classic in Margate due to sore eyelids and then, to make matters worse, I bruised my knuckles punching a wall after my brother Jamie beat me at Swingball.

This year I’ve come to Wimbledon to win, not to go out in the second round at the hands of Ecuador’s 53rd seed. That was two years ago, and that, my friends, will never happen to Andy Murray again.

Everything has to be right when you go on court. The smallest distraction could totally send my game into free-fall. Like the time at the Unigate Milk Masters in Prestatyn, when I noticed the ball boy standing at the other end was wearing white shorts with a red stripe. I complained bitterly to the umpire until he forced him do the rest of the match in his underpants.

I’ve been spending a lot of time with my hero Tim Henman lately. He’s been giving me some brilliant advice about how to nearly win Wimbledon. He told me that to overcome your opponent, you have to be in 'the zone'. We sat around chatting about 'the zone' for a while, until he suddenly threw away his Cornetto and stormed off. All I'd done was ask him what happened to the 'the zone' when he lost those four semi-finals. Still, what a hero.

Everyone always asks me the same question: does it bother me that Jamie has won a Grand Slam event and I haven't, to which I reply, 'of course not, he's my brother'.

Nevertheless, it is worth pointing out that he did win the mixed doubles, which strictly speaking, isn't proper tennis because there are two girls on the court so all you have to do is hit the ball at them really, really hard and they run out of the way.

Not that I'm knocking it. Of course not. If I was like Jamie, and had one fifth of my talent, I'd probably play mixed doubles as well. Only I'd win it every year, not just the once like he has.


As told to Matt Owen

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Celine Dion Voted 'Worst Ever Person'

CANADIAN songstress Celine Dion is the world's worst person ever, according to a new opinion poll.

Readers of Total Bastard magazine voted for Dion ahead of Hitler, Stalin, Vlad the Impaler and Richard Madeley.

Total Bastard editor Wayne Hayes said: "The cover version of AC/DC's You Shook Me All Night Long was a factor, but for the vast majority it was all about Titanic.

"My Heart Will Go On is not just the worst song that's ever been recorded, it's one of the worst things that's ever happened.

"Not only did it spend the best part of three years at number one, but now every fucknut in the Western world wants it played at their wedding, and their funeral.

"Perhaps it makes them feel important, or it's their way of telling the rest of the world how sensitive they are.

"What they fail to realise is that most people will leave thinking, 'it was all going really well until that fucking Titanic song came on – what a c**t'."

Hayes said that when the entire Dion back catalogue was taken into account, including crimes such as Think Twice and The Power of Love, the French-Canadian torturer made Stalin look like a little girl with a lollipop.