The Artist named this year’s 'amaaayzing' film

A BLACK-and-white tribute to the golden age of silent cinema, has been
named this year’s most ‘amaaayzing’ film by people you will overhear in coffee shops.

The Artist formally replaces last year’s most ‘amaaayzing’ film, The King’s Speech, as of 20 January.

The art-house film has become a huge hit among people who know more about films than you do or who think their fondness for films you have not seen makes them more worthwhile than you are.

Amateur film critic Nathan Muir, 41, said: “I was told that The Artist was amaaayzing and I wasn’t disappointed.

“The use of black and white was amaaayzing, as was the soundtrack and the set design. I also spotted several obscure references that I’m sure not many other people did and this momentarily boosted up my sense of self.

“Which was amaaayzing.”

The film joins an illustrious list of ‘amaaayzing’ films from the last 30 years.

Previous title holders include Jane Campion’s The Piano with its amaaayzing cinematography, Luca Guadagnino’s I Am Love and its amaaayzing performances and Lars Von Trier’s Breaking the Waves about which both the cinematography and the performances were amaaayzing.

Tom Logan, from Hatfield, said: “But Breaking the Waves was unwatchable rubbish.

“Aaaah, right.”

The Artist is currently showing in cinemas where you can buy coffee in china cups, sit on a manky suede sofa and pay£7.50 for a tiny pot of Thai chilli bites.


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Clegg wants unbearably middle class economy with shit adverts

NICK Clegg wants the British economy to be filled with middle class kitchen utensils and adverts made by bastards.

Insisting that everything should be like John Lewis, the self-styled ‘deputy prime minister’ claimed that Britain must be never knowingly undersold and weirdly enthusiastic about refunds.

In a speech to some people in his living room, Mr Clegg said: “John Lewis is brilliant isn’t it? We go there all the time. It’s all really good quality, especially the bed linen and the frying pans. We got this brilliant Le Creuset frying pan for seventy quid.

“I went online to see if I could find the same frying pan for less money and I couldn’t. And the thing is, right, if I decide – for whatever reason – that I don’t like the frying pan then John Lewis will take it back, just like that.”

He added: “It’s really brilliant and I reckon it’s because the people that work there all have shares in it so that makes them better at deciding what to sell and how much to sell it for.

“Also, it makes their website better.”

Julian Cook, chief economist at Donnelly-McPartlin, said: “There’s nothing wrong with making the British economy more middle class. God knows, I think we’ve all had quite enough of Iceland adverts and people in tracksuits smoking cigarettes.

“But if everything is John Lewis then every advert will be a tawdry, degrading, orgy of emotion accompanied by a slightly reworked Joan Armatrading song and will tell me precisely fuck all about why I should buy this frying pan.”

Cook added: “Also, take a look around your office this morning and think to yourself ‘do I really want to own shares in these people?’.”