Jeremy Kyle Show to switch to posh people

JEREMY Kyle has confirmed his ITV daytime show will now focus on severely dysfunctional families from Britain’s aristocracy. 

The presenter plans to dodge criticism by refocusing his daytime show on people who have horrendously messy relationships, treat their children abominably and own properties worth tens of millions of pounds.

He said: “Have you ever spoken to a posh person about their life? Exactly like all my old guests, except against a background of gilded opulence.

“They marry people they hate, they have affairs with other people they hate, they send their children off to be raised by sadistic maniacs, and their drug use is simply astonishing.

“I’d always worried that the fucked-up posh were too unrelatable for a mass audience, but after the rapturous reaction to Fleabag I think I’ll be fine.”

Lady Caroline Wolmsley-Etherington, who appears on Kyle’s show next Monday, said: “My caption is going to be ‘Sleeping with father-in-law to get her hands on his grouse estate’.

“I’m so excited. It’s going to be tremendous fun.”

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Couple planning holiday together wondering if it's easier to just break up now

A COUPLE who are planning a holiday together are considering saving themselves time, money and loathing by splitting up instead. 

Jo Kramer and Tom Booker are currently looking at flights, accommodation, excursions, a screaming drunken row by the hotel pool and ending their relationship the moment they get home, but are wondering if they should skip the middle bit.

Jo said: “Speaking from bitter experience, before we’ve even left the house Tom will be angry I’ve booked the taxi too late and I’ll be angry sitting in Heathrow for 7 hours because he’s OCD about airports.

“From then on it will be a sniping, bickering nightmare of sunburn, food poisoning and hangovers all made worse by the hot sun and crystal blue water, rather than better.

“So, rather than a 3am row about him staring at other girls’ tits which wakes up everyone in our complex, we’re thinking we break up now and save the money.

“Either that, or buy something that will genuinely allow us to relax and recharge together, like a 75-inch telly.

“Actually, that sounds blissful.”