They only play the hits and you can afford to get pissed: Why tribute bands are better than actual bands

GONE to see your favourite band and they’ve insisted on playing their shit new album in full? Here’s why you’d enjoy a tribute band more.

They only play the hits

If you’re a huge star with a decades-long career, then of course you’re going to be bored stupid by songs you wrote 30 years ago. You want to play the fresh stuff. But if you’re a fan you want to hear the songs that remind you of your teenage years, not this unfamiliar new bollocks. A tribute band will only ever play the hits. They know which side their bread is buttered.

You can afford to get pissed

Buying tickets for a stadium gig sets you back hundreds of quid nowadays, and that’s before you get to the bar which is able to be a monstrous rip-off because you’re literally a captive audience. Go and see Ded Zeppelin at your local pub instead. Getting hammered for comparatively next to nothing will make up for occult-dabbling wildman ‘Jimmy Page’ looking more like your elderly dad.

You’ll have a great view

If you’ve been to the O2 in London you’ll know that, unless you shelled out the price of a secondhand car on so-called ‘golden circle’ tickets, the band will be approximately the size of ants. But if you see a well-known tribute act at a mid-sized venue, you’ll be able to see every expression on Nick Dagger’s vaguely-looks-like-the-real-thing face.

Getting home will be easy

Major rock stars only play in massive stadiums, which is great if you live in a city, but an inconvenient nightmare if you don’t. Have you ever tried travelling 80 miles home from central Birmingham after midnight on a Wednesday evening? It sucks a lot more than having to suspend your disbelief while watching Dour Straits.

They won’t be celebrity bellends

While your favourite pop stars are undoubtedly talented, it all went to their head 30 years ago and they’re now narcissistic dickheads who haven’t got the sense of humour to enjoy the crowd shouting ‘Play Freebird!’. Tribute acts do it for the love though, and will be thrilled to be there even if the only person in the crowd is you.

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Homemade pizza massive f**king waste of time, scientists confirm

SCIENTISTS have found compelling evidence that anyone making pizza at home is deranged and needs urgent psychiatric help.

A decade-long study revealed that spending hours kneading and proving pizza dough when nicer ones are available at supermarkets and takeaways showed an inability to understand the concept of ‘a waste of time’, and likely masochistic tendencies.

Professor Henry Brubaker of the Institute for Studies said: “Given the fact that the vast majority of people aren’t professional pizza chefs, opting to make one from scratch proves you are mental.

“You’ll spunk half a day trying to cobble together some wet, sticky dough that would make Paul Hollywood punch you in the face, and the rest of the day cleaning flour off your counters.

“When you cook your pizza, it’ll transform into a vast loaf of bread and come out looking like a wheat-based beachball that someone’s slathered in ketchup and cheese.

“Putting toppings on pre-made pizzas bases is equally futile. Of the 25,000 we tested under laboratory conditions, 100 per cent emerged tasting like a giant digestive biscuit with some random semi-cooked shit on top.

“Save yourself and your loved ones the time and leave it to expert pizza craftsmen: Goodfellas, Domino’s, or Bella Italia if you want the true authentic taste of Italy.”