This Morning reluctantly scraps guide to auto-erotic asphyxiation

PHILLIP Schofield has confirmed that This Morning has shelved a segment on increasing sexual excitement by restricting the flow of oxygen to the brain.

The daytime TV show had scheduled a ten-minute piece on how today’s busy professional can heighten sexual and masturbatory sensation by compressing the carotid arteries.

ITV has pulled the feature fearing an Ofcom intervention in a move that Schofield believes is overly cautious. He said: “This Morning is a lifestyle programme and inducing a sensation of hypoxia during orgasm is a common lifestyle choice.

“But sadly it seems that Middle England isn’t ready to watch a discussion on merits of the half-windsor versus the Trinity knot while pleasuring yourself.

“You really can’t do anything pre-watershed these days.”

Unemployed Tom Logan said: “I’ve been thinking of trying some choke and stroke, and what better way to get started than hearing a former children’s TV presenter explaining basic techniques.

“It’s political correctness gone mad, at this rate they’ll cancel their segment on the best hiking boots or that piece they’re doing on the 10 best anal lubricants.”

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Race horses changing names by deed poll

INCREASING numbers of Britain’s race horses are changing their original idiotic names, it has emerged.

The horses say they are no longer happy with incredibly stupid names given to them by owners who are both rich and vulgar.

Racehorse Sputnik Supernova said: “My name is frankly ridiculous and makes me feel really self-conscious in front of mares.

“I’m changing it to a normal name, Iain Galbraith. It’s probably less exciting for racing commentators but so be it. You can’t buy self-respect.”

Fellow racehorse Wee Irish Laddie said: “For fuck’s sake, I come from Kent and am large.

“I had a friend called Starlit Rumpy Pumpy. He killed himself.”