Electric cars to come with choice of six exhaust tones

ELECTRIC cars are to give drivers a choice of six exhaust sounds from 80s Lada to Lamborghini Countach.

The cars have been shunned by motorists who fear that without engine noise, nobody will turn their heads to watch their four-door saloon go by like in the adverts.

A Nissan spokesman said: “The era of silently gliding milk floats that do nothing to wake up the neighbours is past.

“With the new Nissan Leaf you can reproduce the classic rattle of the Ford Cortina Mk 3, the reassuring Eastern Bloc v-v-v-v-v of a Lada starting up, or the deafening chug of a Bristol 70-seat Lodekka bus with 10,225cc diesel engine, as seen on On The Buses.

“Once you’ve impressed the ladies with the seductive purr of a Jaguar XE then, moments later, made a crocodile of schoolchildren void their bowels with the percussive whalefart of a Toyota Celica GT, you won’t want to go back.”

However motorist Norman Steele said: “You’re soon sick of the ones it comes with – everyone’s got them – but all the really good tones are £650 each to download.

“I wasn’t paying that so I got a Harley Davidson FXS Low Rider off BitTorrent, but it turned out to be the Crazy Frog and now I can’t get rid of it.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Clarkson suspended for act of kindness

JEREMY Clarkson has been suspended by the BBC for helping some disabled children.

The professional antagonist was driving fast in a massive car when he passed a broken-down charity minibus.

Instead of goading them in some way, Clarkson pulled over to assist volunteer driver Stephen Malley, a former public sector worker with an earring.

Malley said: “I was taking the disabled children and their parents for a weekend away at a special centre with donkeys, but the bus broke down.

“When I saw Clarkson coming over I thought he was going to push me to the floor and mock me, but instead he correctly diagnosed a problem with the starter motor.

“He was like ‘I’ll sort it, I’ve got some tools in my boot’, then he gave me £200 to go and buy everyone ice creams while they waited.

“Then Clarkson’s passenger, who worked for the BBC, started going mental at him for going off-brand.

“He was saying ‘the short men and coppers who make up 97 per cent of your fan base will hate this’.

“Clarkson said he didn’t want to be that person any more and stormed off, a bit like that guy in the aftershave advert.”

A BBC source said: “Clarkson has been suspended for not being enough of a prick.

“He was the biggest tool in an industry that is rife with them, but he threw it all away.”