Tight Fit To Revive Lion Sleeps Tonight Concept Album

TIGHT Fit are to revive their 1982 concept  album The Lion Sleeps Tonight with a series of spectacular stage shows.

The album, which tells the story of three session musicians and a male model doing a cover version about some lions sleeping in a jungle, was too costly to stage in the 1980s as nobody in the right mind would have paid to see it.

But singer-songwriter Steve Grant said: “The issue of lions sleeping tonight – aweemaway – is still very relevant. Plus the fact that these days – aweemaway – people do seem to be entertained by absolutely anything.

“‘Lion’ was all about tackling those big, timeless themes and, let’s be honest, it doesn’t get much bigger – aweemaway – than the mighty jungle. Awee um-um away.”

Musicologist Wayne Hayes said: “Most people think that Tight Fit were a one-hit novelty outfit who produced songs that stood out even in the eighties. And that’s the same decade as Kajagoogoo, remember.

“But revisiting their work, one can find subtle nuance and an experimentalism that reminds one of mid-period John Coltrane and the Velvet Underground. And yes I did happen to be their bassist for three months, what of it?”

After splitting over artistic differences in 1983, the founder members of Tight Fit have focused on a range of interests away from music, including high mileage Ford Escorts, breeding giraffes and owning the southern half of Berkshire.

Grant said the show will cost almost £120m to stage and will feature a full-size African jungle, the population of Cameroon and a dozen lightly drugged male lions being catapulted into the audience at the start of each performance.


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What About Handjobs? Women Ask Pope

DOZENS of women have written to Pope Benedict asking if Roman Catholic
priests can be allowed the occasional hand job.

In an open letter, the girlfriends of more than 40 priests have called for a relaxation of the church’s stance on celibacy to allow a limited range of sexual practices, including the reverse Dutch Steamboat, the Stockholm Slip’n’Slide and the Sorcerer’s Apprentice.

But a Vatican spokesman said: “Having read the letter I can’t help noticing that the shaky handwriting looks suspiciously like that of a man on the edge of a nervous breakdown. Not to mention the fact that several of the pages were stuck together.”

Almost seven Italian priests have died in the last year, with coroners claiming that dangerous build-ups of happy sauce have caused embolisms, heart attacks and in one case, a penis that looked like an exploding comedy cigar.

The letter cites several passages from scripture, including St Paul’s third letter to the Corinthians in which he states ‘let the priests be clean of visage, and their feet unshod shall be, meanwhile their walnuts should obviously not be the size of spacehoppers’.

The coalition of mistresses has also suggested that, once a week, a priest should be allowed to insert his genitals through a hole in the confession booth partition and allow a local woman to touch him with a chicken feather while he says at least 120 Hail Marys.

One priest-handler said: “It would certainly be less degrading than what Father Kelly used to make me do every night after vespers. I don’t know if you’ve ever tried to do a handstand in a font but believe me it’s no church picnic.”

But a Vatican source insisted: “The Pope is not totally unsympathetic – he’s seen Barbarella for Christ’s sake – but he simply does not understand why a fully trained priest would seek comfort in the arms of a woman when he’s surrounded by rows and rows of freshly packed boymeat.”