THE long-term jobless must stand about in big shops wearing polo shirts, the government has confirmed.
Ministers have warned that those not prepared to put on a cheap uniform and loiter with the equally indolent while chatting about car stereos and intercourse could lose their benefits.
Work and pensions secretary Iain Duncan-Smith said: “I think the real tragedy for this country is that many people have chosen to stay on benefits because they believed that if they got a job they’d have to do some work.
“In fact there are loads of jobs that involve no work whatsoever, such as shops, tourist attractions and rapidly failing Cajun-themed restaurants. Plus you can steal things, which helps to compensate for any money you lose in coming off the government’s teat.”
He added: “This gives people from deprived backgrounds the chance to continue doing absolutely nothing but doing it in a structured way that will give them the confidence they need to win a fight in a pub car park.”
Tom Logan, managing director of a big shop selling carpets and tiles, said: “We’re always looking for people with a slightly glazed look who can lean on things. We just like having them around.”
Stephen Malley, who was unemployed for 12 years before doing nothing, said he never knew how rewarding work could be until he was offered the job of standing in the middle of a discount supermarket.
“Holding a clipboard and occasionally moving a box of cereal slightly to the left has given me so much confidence.”
He added: “I’m now going to pretend to look for something in the warehouse, although I shall actually be smoking a bifter by the skips.”