Workshy Must Stand Around Doing Nothing In A Uniform Or Lose Benefits

THE long-term jobless must stand about in big shops wearing polo shirts, the government has confirmed.

Ministers have warned that those not prepared to put on a cheap uniform and loiter with the equally indolent while chatting about car stereos and intercourse could lose their benefits.

Work and pensions secretary Iain Duncan-Smith said: “I think the real tragedy for this country is that many people have chosen to stay on benefits because they believed that if they got a job they’d have to do some work.

“In fact there are loads of jobs that involve no work whatsoever, such as shops, tourist attractions and rapidly failing Cajun-themed restaurants. Plus you can steal things, which helps to compensate for any money you lose in coming off the government’s teat.”

He added: “This gives people from deprived backgrounds the chance to continue doing absolutely nothing but doing it in a structured way that will give them the confidence they need to win a fight in a pub car park.”

Tom Logan, managing director of a big shop selling carpets and tiles, said: “We’re always looking for people with a slightly glazed look who can lean on things. We just like having them around.”

Stephen Malley, who was unemployed for 12 years before doing nothing, said he never knew how rewarding work could be until he was offered the job of standing in the middle of a discount supermarket.

“Holding a clipboard and occasionally moving a box of cereal slightly to the left has given me so much confidence.”

He added: “I’m now going to pretend to look for something in the warehouse, although I shall actually be smoking a bifter by the skips.”


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Constitutional Status Of 'Question Time' Under Threat

THE government is undermining Question Time‘s role at the
heart of the British constitution, it was claimed last night.

The Queen has asked the Privy Council to review the status of the BBC programme after the government refused to provide a panellist, in defiance of the 1873 Question Time Act.

A Downing Street spokesman said there was currently no need for curfews and internment as David Dimbleby was sent north to Berwick-Upon-Tweed for safe-keeping and constitutional experts warned of all kinds of shit.

Denys Finch-Hatton, editor of Which Constitution?, said: “Britain is organised on the basis that the government of the day will provide a Question Time panellist regardless of Alistair Campbells.

“We’re now witnessing the most fundamental change to our national governance since the lamentable decision to give Roman Catholics the vote in 1978.”

Mr Campbell, the Labour psychopath, told the Question Time audience that the government was obviously some crocodiles inside the bodies of people inside the bodies of more crocodiles, before holding up a picture of a human with a crocodile’s head and claiming it was the chief secretary to the treasury.

The Question Time Act was passed 140 years ago after the Franco-Prussian War exposed Britain’s lack of a weekly public forum made up of politicians and maybe one or two people who were not politicians.

The first panel was convened on October 14th, 1873 and featured Secretary of State for the Colonies, Earl Granville, shadow home secretary Richard Cross, the novelist George Eliot, biscuit tycoon George Palmer and the controversial stand up comedian Arthur Picklethwaite. The event was chaired by David Dimbleby and seen by just 17 people because television would not be invented for another 50 years.

Margaret Gerving, a retired headmistress from Guildford, said: “If the government is not going to appear on Question Time then this country is basically Somalia and I may as well set fire to all the houses in my street. If you’ll excuse me, I have to go to the petrol station.”

But Helen Archer, from Doncaster, insisted: “Question Time perpetuates the class-based, establishment hegemony. I think we should abolish it and have a democratically elected programme that I never watch.”

And Bill McKay, from Peterborough, added: “Is that the one where members of the public take bits of furniture to whichever hotel Fiona Bruce is currently staying in?

“I was quite upset when they had that Nazi on last year. What does he know about sideboards?”