BIRTHS to women over 40 have trebled in the last 20 years as men
continue to lower their standards, according to latest figures.
New statistics suggest that if the trend continues, by 2030 nursing homes will have to start providing creche facilities and wheelchair accessible changing tables.
Dr Martin Bishop, of the Institute For Studies said: “In the 1970s there was no need to hump older ladies as Britain was awash with scantily-clad young nurses with saucy giggles.
“Uncomplicated fun was just a swanee-whistle slide away, as long as you could avoid being interrupted by Hattie Jacques.
“But nowadays men are so frightened of inadvertently waking up next to a school satchel that they’re doing the grey fandango to avoid spending five years picking broken glass out of their dinner.”
Bishop stressed that the increasing awfulness of teenage girls is also encouraging men to start a family with women who do not need ID to buy glue.
He said: “Most women under the age of 25 are a screeching combination of Southern Comfort and Living TV. All of a sudden liver spots seem infinitely preferable to a butterfly tattoo just above the arse.”
Advances in nutrition and plastic surgery have also meant that older women no longer have to wait for the combination of excessive alcohol, desperation and the nightclub closing in 10 minutes to find a father for their children.
Bishop added: “Catherine Deneuve has started to complain about gypsies and Susan Sarandon keeps forgetting her teeth but you obviously still would.”