Men Getting Less Fussy

BIRTHS to women over 40 have trebled in the last 20 years as men
continue to lower their standards, according to latest figures.

New statistics suggest that if the trend continues, by 2030 nursing homes will have to start providing creche facilities and wheelchair accessible changing tables.

Dr Martin Bishop, of the Institute For Studies said: “In the 1970s there was no need to hump older ladies as Britain was awash with scantily-clad young nurses with saucy giggles.

“Uncomplicated fun was just a swanee-whistle slide away, as long as you could avoid being interrupted by Hattie Jacques.

“But nowadays men are so frightened of inadvertently waking up next to a school satchel that they’re doing the grey fandango to avoid spending five years picking broken glass out of their dinner.”

Bishop stressed that the increasing awfulness of teenage girls is also encouraging men to start a family with women who do not need ID to buy glue.

He said: “Most women under the age of 25 are a screeching combination of Southern Comfort and Living TV. All of a sudden liver spots seem infinitely preferable to a butterfly tattoo just above the arse.”

Advances in nutrition and plastic surgery have also meant that older women no longer have to wait for the combination of excessive alcohol, desperation and the nightclub closing in 10 minutes to find a father for their children.

Bishop added: “Catherine Deneuve has started to complain about gypsies and Susan Sarandon keeps forgetting her teeth but you obviously still would.”


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Victoria Beckham Unveils New Brain

VICTORIA Beckham has been fitted with the brain of an alcoholic physics genius, it has been confirmed.

The new brain made its red carpet debut at a charity gala in Los Angeles last night sporting a new ‘bed-head’ hair style and swigging madly from a bottle of Thunderbird.

A spokeswoman said: “Victoria has achieved so much as a hair and clothing owner, but with her new brain she will finally be able to emulate that success in the field of quantum physics, specifically hyper-advanced string theory, if she can stay off the booze.”

She added: “For those who follow Victoria’s styling choices, the brain is a medium biscuit colour, a bit like a Maryland cookie, and is covered in a thick translucent goo that tastes of chicken liver paté.”

Beckham’s new brain belonged to eccentric genius Stephen Malley, who wore the same vest for 53 years, was terrified of meringues and had an IQ higher than that of the combined population of Wiltshire.

Neurologist Dr Julian Cook said: “It remains unclear how Malley’s brain will behave in Victoria Beckham’s body in the long term. But I imagine the first 24 hours will be devoted to eating sausage rolls and playing with the tits.”

Celebrity pundit Nikki Hollis said: “Brain transplants are the big thing in LA right now.

“Tom Sizemore has had his replaced with the brains of two Bonobo monkeys while friends of Shia LaBoef say he is now a blue fin tuna who can’t act.”

Victoria Beckham’s original brain is to be donated to the Institute for Studies where it will be used to wipe down the fridge.