US TV to merge into 'Good Bad Breaking Scandal Wife'

AMERICAN television drama is to merge into one uber-show which will be watched by everyone.

Good Bad Breaking Scandal Wife will star Michelle Pfeiffer as a meth-dealing hot shot lawyer who is cheating on her husband with the President’s daughter.

The multi-layered plot, involving 86 regular characters, will switch between the dusty South-West, the Louisiana backwoods and Washington DC.

The supporting cast includes Sam Rockwell as a wise-cracking political journalist and Susan Sarandon as Pfeiffer’s mentor, former lover and biggest customer.

Sir Patrick Stewart will play the sexually ambiguous Louisiana congressman Japeth Croe.

The show will use state of the art cinematography including moving very quickly between two people having a conversation, speeding things up and then suddenly slowing things down and making it look as if the scene is being filmed from behind a sofa.

One of Hollywood’s top music consultants has been hired to pick the perfect piece of quirky acoustic rock to top and tail each episode.

The show will be written by the same eight people who write everything.

Executive producer Tom Logan said: “If you watch anything else, you will be shunned.”

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Clegg fires 2015 election pledges into the sun

THE Liberal Democrats’ 2015 election promises have been put into a metal tube and blasted into the heart of the solar system.

Deputy prime minister Nick Clegg is hoping that the sun’s intense heat will transmute the vague musings on plastic bags and school uniforms into something that the public can give a shit about.

Clegg said: “Cosmic rays will turn our manifesto into a 7-foot, orange rocky-skinned legislative beast.”

Time-rich, ideas-poor Clegg became preoccupied with comic book culture after having a recurring dream where Vince Cable falls into a vat of chemicals and emerges with half a face and the ability to fire steel cables from his torso.

Other copies of Lib Dem election literature have been buried in a nuclear testing site, bombarded with gamma rays and bitten by a variety of radioactive creatures from ants up to wild boars to hopefully make them more dynamic.

Party campaigner Tom Logan said: “If we just promised to punt every one of our shiny-faced toff colleagues in the nuts every day between now and 2015, I think that would be a vote-winner.”