Victoria Beckham's Out Of Your Mind, and other songs that don't deserve a Saltburn-style comeback

A RASH of 20-year-old tracks, such as Murder on the Dancefloor and Natasha Bedingfield’s Unwritten, are in the charts again. But which should remain firmly in the early 2000s?

Out of Your Mind by True Steppers and Dane Bowers feat. Victoria Beckham, 2001

UK garage seemed an unlikely musical segue for Victoria’s first solo single and it now seems incredibly dated, and not in a cool, ironic way. It was pretty popular at the time, but sadly not quite popular enough to reach number one, getting pipped at the post by Sophie Ellis-Bextor’s Groovejet (If This Ain’t Love), which had the unfair advantage of being in some way memorable.

Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol, 2006

This miserable, meandering ballad was utterly ubiquitous in 2006 and made you want to top yourself, which isn’t a great combination. The noughties were knee-deep in limp indie bands stuffed full of sad-eyed boys with straggly hair and ripped jeans, which seem to have largely been consigned to history, thank f**k.

My Humps by Black Eyed Peas, 2005

The awfulness of My Humps has penetrated so far into our culture that, rather than it making a comeback, you could ask if it ever went away. However, what it’s certainly not going to be doing is soundtracking the climactic final scene in a sexy murder film about the English aristocracy, however alluring Fergie claims her ‘lovely lady lumps’ are.

I Wish I Was a Punk Rocker (With Flowers in my Hair) by Sandi Thom, 2006

From the 30-second long a cappella intro to the asinine lyrics that conflated punks with hippies, who hated each other, and harked back to times when ‘computers were still scary and we didn’t know anything’, this song is terrible. Thom lamented that she was ‘born too late into a world that doesn’t care’, and, unfortunately for her, it still doesn’t.

Axel F by Crazy Frog, 2005

Crazy Frog was an animated character originally marketed by a Swedish ringtone manufacturer, and was originally known as ‘The Annoying Thing’, which is f**king spot on. This cover of the Beverly Hills Cop theme tune is so deeply, horribly irritating that even Gen Z’s rabid enthusiasm for everything Y2K cannot resurrect it.

Ooh Stick You, Daphne and Celeste, 2000

Bratty Americans Daphne and Celeste were everywhere in the year 2000, welcoming in a brand new millennium with lyrics like ‘In your ear with a can of beer, up your butt with a coconut’. They were so hated that a performance at Reading Festival saw them showered with hundreds of bottles of piss, so the UK is probably safe from a comeback from these two.

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Kanye West's guide to having a relationship based on mutual respect

YOU can’t have a relationship without respect, so I treat my pseudo-wife Bianca with the same respect I have for a genius like myself, or Hitler. Here’s my advice on respecting your partner.

Accept them for who they are

Respect means accepting your partner despite your differences. Obviously Bianca can never be as amazing as me because I’m a platinum-selling mega-genius with his own range of trainers and she’s my weird sex pet, but I’m cool with that. So as you can see, I’ve got nothing but respect.

Be brutally honest about their fashion choices

Too many guys just want an easy life and won’t tell their partner if an outfit looks bad on them. If I see Bianca putting on a sweatshirt and jeans to go to the shops, I tell her to change into something more appropriate, eg. a tiny bikini top and a hitched-up micro skirt that gives everyone a good view of her bumcrack and possibly anus. If you respect someone it’s better to risk them being annoyed with you than let them make a dreadful fashion faux pas.

Tell them you love them more than Hitler

Regular compliments remind your partner you appreciate them, so I say flattering things like ‘You’ve got a better ass than Hitler’, or after making love I’ll say: ‘That was like having sex with Hitler!’ Bianca says I don’t understand who Hitler was and we have to watch The Nazis: A Warning From History together. I’m down with that, I can’t wait to see what Hitler did besides inventing motorways.

Don’t try to make them into someone they’re not

Except if it’s Kim Kardashian. If one woman has the nerve to split up with you, womankind owes you an identical replacement, like when an Amazon order arrives damaged. That’s not objectifying women, it’s just respecting my consumer rights.

Respect is something you have to learn

Respect is a learning process, so don’t just assume you understand what your partner wants. I had no idea Bianca prefers not to be naked when we’re visiting her parents, but when she told me I immediately made a mental note of it, and now I make sure she’s always modestly dressed in a cushion over her tits. 

Respect their sexual needs

Too many guys put their own pleasure first and don’t think about their partner. People criticised me for making Bianca give me a blowjob on a gondola in Venice, but she got a ride in a boat, didn’t she? If anything I’m the one who went out of their way to give her pleasure, because I bought her a Cornetto afterwards.

Be prepared to take criticism on board

Respect is a two-way street. When I recently got titanium teeth for my usual impenetrable mad reasons, Bianca asked me if I could change them because ‘you look like the guy out of f**king Moonraker’. I have to admit that stung, but I respect Bianca wanting to date a more conventional-looking guy, so I’m having them replaced with more modest vampire teeth. No one could be embarrassed about going out with Blacula.