Video game quickly being made controversial

THE creators of a tedious, badly designed computer game are hurriedly adding gratuitous sex and violence.

He feels edgy now

It is hoped that sales of the generic sci-fi adventure Red Sector 9 will be boosted by deliberately controversial new elements such as dismembering space nuns with a laser chainsaw that has the phrase ‘fuck off’ written on its blade.

Programmer Tom Logan said: “Red Sector 9 – now retitled Red Sector 9: Violent Soldier – sucks, so we’re hoping people will buy it just to find out if you really do run amok with a flame thrower in a cattery.

“We should also get some free publicity from the game’s extremely dodgy attitude toward female characters, who have immense breasts and get chained up a lot.

“Some of our testers said the game feels a bit contrived now, but I think it’s entirely possible there could be a malevolent vagina floating around in space.”

Daily Mail journalist Donna Sheridan said: “I know nothing about computer games and hate doing research, so this is the perfect story for me.

“Apparently you get points for spying on your own mum in the shower. Or maybe that was a dream I had last night. Either way, it is disgusting.”

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First female bishop appointed just 45 years after humans landed on moon

THE Church of England has managed to appoint a female bishop within half a century of humans setting foot on another world.

The church’s progress was hailed as awe-inspiring, while thousands of dizzy Anglicans grabbed onto bannisters and the backs of chairs.

A Church spokesman said: “We’re very proud that we achieved this before teleportation became a reality.

“At times it felt like being on a runaway train.”

The Right Reverend Julian Cook, a member of the Church’s General Synod, said: “I remember watching the moon landing and thinking anything was possible except female bishops.

“It’s science fiction come to life. I just hope the female bishops are more like Sigourney Weaver rather than a 15 foot-tall alien bitch queen.”