MEN who love vinyl records have been told to just f**king marry them and live happily ever after.
A surge in vinyl sales has been matched by a surge in vinyl buyers enthusing about how sensuous the format is and how much they love it and always will.
Shop assistant Emma Bradford said: “If it gives you something that none of these youthful, superficially attractive music formats ever could, then be a man about it.
“Legitimise and then consummate your relationship with your mono-mixed Beatles albums and coloured 12-inches.”
Vinyl lover Julian Cook said: “We finally tied the knot in an independent vintage record shop in Putney, attended by only those closest to us, like the original pressing of the Buzzcocks’ self-released Spiral Scratch EP.
“At first it was blissful. But then I started noticing all the pops and crackles. I guess they were always there but I just didn’t want to hear them.”