Vinyl enthusiasts asked why they don’t just f**king marry it

MEN who love vinyl records have been told to just f**king marry them and live happily ever after.

A surge in vinyl sales has been matched by a surge in vinyl buyers enthusing about how sensuous the format is and how much they love it and always will.

Shop assistant Emma Bradford said: “If it gives you something that none of these youthful, superficially attractive music formats ever could, then be a man about it.

“Legitimise and then consummate your relationship with your mono-mixed Beatles albums and coloured 12-inches.”

Vinyl lover Julian Cook said: “We finally tied the knot in an independent vintage record shop in Putney, attended by only those closest to us, like the original pressing of the Buzzcocks’ self-released Spiral Scratch EP.

“At first it was blissful. But then I started noticing all the pops and crackles. I guess they were always there but I just didn’t want to hear them.”


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Woman in bestial shopping frenzy pauses briefly to enjoy moment

A BLACK Friday shopper has stopped hitting a pensioner in the face so she can just take in the atmosphere.

Still clutching her victim by the lapel, Jane Thompson paused and looked around with a sense of child-like wonder.

Thompson, 35 from Stevenage, said: “As Wordsworth wrote, ‘bliss was it in that dawn to be alive, but to be young was very heaven’.”

As her elderly prey struggled desperately to break free, Thompson added: “Look at all this passion. All these faces, so full of life.

“All around us heroes are emerging, epic tales are being forged in the white heat of Debenhams.

“Anyway, it was nice talking to you, but I do need to get back to punching the fuck out of this old man.”