Von Trier forced to watch own films

LARS Von Trier has been forced to watch every film he has ever made before being allowed back into the Cannes film festival.

The avant-garde camera-pointer, who is being punished for repeating an old Freddie Starr routine about Nazis, has been strapped into a chair with his eyes stapled open in a homage to an over-rated film that is still more than 800 times better than anything he has ever thought of.

Projectionist Tom Logan said: “At first things seemed pretty peaceful, like everyone else who has seen Breaking the Waves he cried with boredom and then fell asleep. Or at least he would have were it not for the eye-staples.

“Watching The Idiots merely made him realise the extent to which he has wasted his own and everyone else’s time, but when the opening credits to Dancer in the Dark came up, his screams were of the blood curdling nature you’d expect from somebody about to spend two and a half hours watching Bjork. In a musical. Where everybody dies.

“Before we’d got to the second song I’d lined up all the reels and gone outside for a stiff drink and a cigarette.”

The French film festival chose a particularly cruel punishment for Von Trier after initially resisting the temptation to furnish him with a list of known Jews and Communists amongst the artistic community.

Von Trier’s agent, Trier Von Lars, said: “Twenty minutes after he’d made the Nazi comments, a lorry driven by Mel Gibson pulled up outside the hotel with Woody Allen, Harvey Weinstein and about 50 others in the back and a note saying ‘gypsies and homosexuals arriving tomorrow’.”

But with Von Trier currently trying to kill himself while watching Antichrist, the festival insisted the punishment had sent the right message after Guy Ritchie was seen setting fire to a swastika and urinating on a photo of Herman Goering.


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Banking crisis caused by woman

THE multi-billion pound collapse of the Royal Bank of Scotland can finally be blamed on a woman.

As it emerged that former RBS chief executive Sir Fred Goodwin had an affair with a senior colleague, experts said his judgement would have obviously been impaired by her seductive allure and dirty promises.

Across Britain there was relief that the RBS disaster, which destroyed the nation’s finances and left thousands unemployed, was entirely and comprehensively the fault of an irresistible she-devil with eyes like fire and a voice like chocolate milk.

Julian Cook, professor of saucy bewitchment at Reading University, said: “Sir Fred is completely exonerated. He is yet another innocent victim of the low cut dress and the shimmering thigh.

“I will eat my hat if this woman has ever worn a pair of underpants in her entire life.”

Martin Bishop, chairman of I’m Just a Man, a support group for middle-aged adulterers, said: “Here we have a wonderfully talented banker with impeccable judgement being brought down by wanton skankery.

“I cannot tell you how many businesses have collapsed because of dirty, large-breasted secretaries with their cheeky little laughs that seem to say ‘oh Mr Bishop, do it to me in a cupboard’.

“Bishop and Co was a thriving insurance brokers until Sandra came along with her lacy bras and her astonishing mouth.”

He added: “But, of course, it does take two to create an adulterous affair, so we must not forget the role played by Sir Fred’s wife.

“I have no doubt he only fell into the clutches of this sorceress because she was willing to do the sort of moist and/or bendy things that Mrs Goodwin felt were beneath her.

“We are all paying the price for Mrs Goodwin’s prudish self-regard. When will wives learn?”

Stephen Malley, senior banking analyst at Donnelly-McPartlin, said: “When I saw RBS going on a hell-for-leather acquisition spree that culminated in the insanely overpriced buy-out of ABN Amro, I thought ‘this is about some bird’.”