ARE you looking to pull on a night out clubbing? Unfortunately for you, your dancing is already warning any potential partner just how atrocious you’ll be in the bedroom.
Thrusting
What woman wouldn’t be attracted to a pissed man erratically trying to hump the air in time to Eye of the Tiger? If your dancing is this groin-oriented, you’re likely overcompensating for something. Anyone lucky enough to pull you is in for 11 to 15 seconds of wild intercourse.
The Macarena
The most obvious and well-known of all dances. A routine so simple, even your nan can pull it off at a wedding. However, for all its accessibility, it’s sexual suicide to break it out in a club. It screams that you’re profoundly tedious and predictable, and only have sex in the missionary position. Taking your socks off would just be perverted.
The worm (badly)
You have to be pretty limber to do this, so chances are you’ll just squirm around helplessly like a child dicking about in the playground. It also smacks of overconfidence in your own abilities, implying you’ll be some sleazeball going ‘D’you like that, baby? Yeah?’ throughout sex. Just to top it off, after lying down on the dancefloor you will probably be quite grubby. Best avoided.
Fist-pumping
When philosopher Thomas Hobbes theorised that the life of pre-modern humans was ‘nasty, brutish and short’ he could equally have been describing how anyone who thinks fist-pumping is an acceptable form of dancing makes love. If your default response to hearing music is to try beat up the air, then you’re probably not going to be a very sensitive lover.
Clapping
Clapping your hands in time to a song is perhaps the go-to dance for every middle-aged uncle in history, and as such you’ll be regarded as sexually toxic. Frankly, it’s doubtful whether you’ve ever even actually had sex if this is all you’ve got to offer on a dancefloor.
Ironic
While you might think that throwing some ironic dance moves shows you’ve got a sense of humour, you’re mistaken. All it proves is that you’re far too insecure about your own body to actually dance, and therefore make love, with confidence. It’s almost guaranteed that you’ll continue making jokes during sex to relieve your feelings of tension. No one wants to hear you say ‘Thar she blows!’ at the point of orgasm.
