ORKNEY is considering becoming a self-governing territory of Norway. But which areas of Britain would you prefer to lose than a quiet little island off Scotland?
Devon
What is the point of Devon? All it does is get in the way of people driving to Cornwall for a lovely holiday with golden sandy beaches and crystal blue water. The only thing of note it’s ever done is establishing the correct order for putting cream and jam on a scone, and even that’s tedious nonsense. On your way, Devon, and take Chris Martin with you.
Northumberland
Ask most people in Britain where Northumberland is and they’ll say it’s an obscure shire Bilbo passes through on his way to the Lonely Mountain. Hardly anyone has been there and those who have come back with miserable tales of bleak beaches and ruined castles. Britain should sack it off and use the space for a giant theme park instead.
The Cotswolds
Apparently the countryside is ‘wonderful’ but if you’ve ever been north of Manchester you’ll know this is a pathetic lie. Chipping Norton in the north-east of the Cotswolds is full of posh bastards and ex-prime ministers, Stroud in the south-west is full of conspiracy theorist hippies and ex-London twats, and everything in between is boring. Get rid.
London
Home of government and parliament, you might think London would be crucial to the UK, but you’d be wrong. The rest of the country would get on much better if they weren’t ordered around by people stupid enough to live somewhere you have to pay £9 for a pint. Remove it, fill the hole with water and turn it into a boating lake.
Isle of Wight
Mostly known for holding a counterculture festival in the late 60s, which has recently been revived and is now sponsored by Barclaycard. What a sell-out. Aside from that, it’s basically a less interesting Guernsey where your granny likes to go on holiday and nobody would miss it if it floated out into the North Atlantic and never came back.
