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Scottish crown jewels revealed to be a tam o' shanter stuffed with Buckfast and shortbread

THE mysterious Scottish crown jewels presented to King Charles yesterday are in fact a tartan hat with a bottle of super-strength tonic wine and some biscuits inside.

Known as the Honours of Scotland, the valuables are kept in the Crown Room at Edinburgh Castle. Though they are on display to the public, very few people have been arsed to go and look at them.

Royal historian Sir Denys Finch Hatton said: “The last time we heard about these precious relics was when they were awarded to the late Queen Elizabeth in 1953, and nobody has given a toss about them since.

“They comprise a traditional tam o’ shanter believed to have been given to Mary Queen of Scots in 1561 as a joke. Inside resides a priceless bottle of Buckfast and a tin of shortbread with a Scottie dog on it.

“Presumably there were some actual jewels at some stage but the English will have nicked them and claimed them as their own. You know, like they do with every other country’s valuable treasures.”

King Charles said: “Oh, were we not meant to drink the Buckie? We are very pissed. Camilla has just puked up the shortbread.”

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