subscribe
/ Sign Out

Scottish crown jewels revealed to be a tam o' shanter stuffed with Buckfast and shortbread

THE mysterious Scottish crown jewels presented to King Charles yesterday are in fact a tartan hat with a bottle of super-strength tonic wine and some biscuits inside.

Known as the Honours of Scotland, the valuables are kept in the Crown Room at Edinburgh Castle. Though they are on display to the public, very few people have been arsed to go and look at them.

Royal historian Sir Denys Finch Hatton said: “The last time we heard about these precious relics was when they were awarded to the late Queen Elizabeth in 1953, and nobody has given a toss about them since.

“They comprise a traditional tam o’ shanter believed to have been given to Mary Queen of Scots in 1561 as a joke. Inside resides a priceless bottle of Buckfast and a tin of shortbread with a Scottie dog on it.

“Presumably there were some actual jewels at some stage but the English will have nicked them and claimed them as their own. You know, like they do with every other country’s valuable treasures.”

King Charles said: “Oh, were we not meant to drink the Buckie? We are very pissed. Camilla has just puked up the shortbread.”

I have privileged access to Taylor Swift tickets for six lucky Daily Mash readers, by Sir Jacob Rees-Mogg

SUFFERING undue concern in regard to attendance at Miss Swift’s upcoming Eras tour in the UK? Agonise no further. I, Sir Jacob Rees-Mogg, may help.

Due to my connections in the Conservative party, the monarchy and the higher echelons of Ticketmaster – invaluable for seeing the Band of the Grenadier Guards perform Jerusalem – I may claim six tickets for any venue of this grand tour of the European continent.

And, as my cerebellum is unmarked by lesions, I have no desire to see a colonial woman perform ditties liable to engender hysteria in the weak. Therefore, I elect to give them away.

My criteria are simple and easy to meet. First, you must be a member of the Conservative party. I imagine the majority of women aged 18-25 already are.

Second, it is imperative you be of good schooling. Roedean, Wycombe Abbey, Cheltenham Ladies’ College; all are acceptable. If you do not attend a fee-paying school your parents are under no financial pressure so you may purchase tickets yourself.

Third, decorum. Propriety forbids my going into detail, but an examination by a licenced physician will be necessary. Exceptions for horse riding must be fully documented.

Finally, a brief Classics examination should sort the wheat from the chaff. Conducted entirely in Latin, successful candidates will demonstrate their knowledge of Horace, Cicero, and Pliny the Younger.

Rest assured this is not a hoax, a jape or some crude form of satire. Send all applications, sealed and witnessed, to the office of Sir Jacob Rees-Mogg MP without delay.

Next story ›