SOME ungrateful Scottish peasants did not welcome Charles as their king yesterday, and it’s not entirely surprising. Here are the glaring problems of the whole daft idea in the year 2023.
The last time the UK had a proper king was 1649
And that didn’t end well for Charles I. Despite a backlash against Cromwell, since parliament became sovereign the monarchy has become largely symbolic and decorative. Although Charles III isn’t very decorative himself. You wouldn’t want that jug-eared miseryguts on your Christmas tree.
The small matter of Scottish independence
If the Scots are already sick of English Tory Brexiloons at Westminster shafting them, they definitely don’t want a throwback to pre-democratic feudal times foisted on them. Maybe Westminster should make them live in 13th-century hovels for the full Braveheart experience.
Droit du seigneur is frowned upon these days
It’s been questioned whether droit du seigneur actually existed, but it’s certainly not an option for Charles in 2023 due to it being a sex crime now. However it does diminish his kingly powers, much like not being able to have the upstart rebel Humza Yousaf hung, drawn and quartered.
The only English people who love the monarchy are old or mental
The Royals are popular with grans and English people who left marmalade sandwiches for Paddington Bear outside Buckingham Palace after the Queen died, ie. nutters. But their popularity has faded, probably due to stuff like Tampongate, Wills twatting Harry and creepy Uncle Andrew. So it’s unfair to expect Scotland to love the Windsors without even Di in a nice hat.
The Glencoe Massacre and other nastiness
Historically, England has a nasty habit of ordering the massacre of people who oppose the King, as at Glencoe. Luckily for the English, no one knows anything about our own history except World War 2 and the invention of the seed drill, so we don’t feel bad about that, Amritsar, the burning of Cork, or being the world’s biggest heroin dealer.
The Orange twats don’t need any encouragement
The Orange Order love the King or Queen, obviously. Do we really want to encourage the only people in history who think it would be good to emulate the situation in Northern Ireland?
God probably didn’t appoint Charles
If Charles 3 had the divine right of kings and was personally given the role by God, then Scotland would need to put up or shut up, on pain of a plague of locusts, being turned into salt or drowned. However people have been increasingly sceptical about the existence of God since the Renaissance, and let’s just say we’ve not heard a lot from Him recently. Also we doubt God is that keen on Charles. It’s bad enough listening to him droning on if you’re a mere mortal – imagine how tedious it must be if you’re omniscient with the biggest brain in the universe.
Scotland can almost certainly find a better king or queen
Who’s king is arbitrary and down to an accident of birth, so Scotland may as well pick their own monarch who’s at least popular. Karen Gillan, maybe, Ewan McGregor or, ideally, Queen Clare Grogan.
