Britain To Become Perv Nation By 2012

BRITAIN will become a nation of pervs within five years, making it the second kinkiest country in Europe after France, according to new research by the Joseph Rowntree Foundation. 

Perviness, once restricted to the higher echelons of society such as the royal family, the upper class and Richard and Judy, is now common within the middle classes and increasingly prevalent even among the previously prudish working class.

However, a small but significant number of people are still not pervy at all creating a worrying and ever-widening gap between the pervs and perv-nots, the Foundation said.

Dr Roy Hobbs, chief researcher at the Foundation, said: “We are not communists. We recognise that some people are always going to be more pervy than others. But it can't be right that while most people will find this paragraph devoid of any titillating material at all a significant number will have fainted just because it contained the word 'perv'."

According to the Foundation the top ten per cent of pervs account for nearly 60 per cent of perversions performed in Britain today. Meanwhile a stubborn rump of 10 per cent of the population refuses to countenance anything kinky at all.

Dr Hobbs called for greater leadership by the Government to encourage broader perviness claiming that Gordon Brown’s administration was one of the least kinky in modern times, with only Jack Straw, Des Browne and Hilary Benn openly pervy.

However, Hazel Blears, secretary of state for communities and the owner of a leather catsuit, hit back saying tax and benefit changes since 1997 had greatly increased perversity, although she admitted Britons would never become as pervy as the French, who were not only extremely kinky but also did not wash.

“Since 1997 more than one million pensioners and 600,000 single mums have been transformed into pervs thanks to our reforms and the average household is now 1,000 times more pervy than 10 years ago,” she said.

According to the JRF the top ten most pervy things in Britain at the moment are:

1. (-) Crotchless bananas
2. (3) Vibrating midgets
3. (1) Richard and Judy
4. (2) Butt plunger
5. (-) Minge flange
6. (10) Shaved wangs
7. (5) Spanner tassles
8. (3) Belly faggots
9. (-) Greasy pole
10. (7) Knee firblers

Last year’s position in brackets. Source: The Joseph Rowntree Foundation.

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Help Me Win Election, Brown Asks Terrified Iraqis

GORDON Brown has flown into Baghdad to enlist the terrified Iraqi population in his bid for re-election.

As the Tories sought to take control of the political agenda back home, Brown used his visit to the war-torn country to underline his credentials as a man who can meet the challenge of holding on to a £150,000 a year job.

Arriving in Baghdad, Brown said: "I have just got off an official plane in a very hot country filled with reporters from all over the world.

"Right now, David Cameron is probably in a second-rate Blackpool hotel room talking to the Daily Express about his favourite cheese.

"Leadership means being ready and willing to recognise that war, suffering and death can always be turned around and put to devastating political use."

Brown also told beleaguered British troops that he will bring them home when it is in the best interests of the Labour Party.

He added: "These poor Iraqi people, being blown up every time they go to the shops, are an example to us all.

"They understand the importance of British democracy and my obsessive desire to destroy it.

"And as I stand here in Baghdad, with its occasional electricity and awful smells, I think to myself, 'I knew this would come in handy, I'm so glad I gave Tony Blair the money to do it'."