'Accept that you are poorer' says mugger

A MUGGER has told his victim that he simply needs to accept that he is poorer rather than furthering an inflationary spiral. 

After demanding the contents of his victim’s wallet and iPhone 13, Jack Browne informed him that chasing recompense would only worsen the situation on the macro scale.

He explained: “You call the police. They give you a crime number. That’s another unsolved crime on their books, the stats look terrible, they’re hiring more bodies and you’re paying for it in tax. Yeah?

“Then you go running to your insurance. They might pay out but they’re bunging not just your premium up but everyone else’s. And topping up their profits as they go.

“Even rushing to cancel your cashcard has consequences. You’re sending me on a contactless runaround buying stuff I don’t even want, making pizza and trainer shops think their prices are sustainable long-term.

“So you need to face up, accept that this unfortunate consequence which was nobody’s fault has left you poorer, and f**k off now before I get annoyed. Alright?”

Victim Julian Cook said: “He certainly talked raw economic good sense.”

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

Catfish ghosted

AN online catfish who spent four months pretending to be a 24-year-old Belarusian model is devastated that his target ghosted him. 

Hacker Jordan Gardner has been building his relationship with single British man Stephen Malley since before Christmas, only to find his messages suddenly going unanswered.

He said: “So that’s it? It’s over? When I hadn’t even asked him for bitcoin?

“I thought we had a real connection to milk for cash. I thought this time it was different. Then one day I get up and he’s moved on? How am I meant to feel?

“It just hurts every time it’s over. It’s always the same – I slide into his DMs, win his trust, gradually introduce the topics of love, marriage and international airfare. I get my hopes up and wonder if it’s actually going somewhere this time and then boom, he’s gone.

“Does he not appreciate how much research went into creating Lera Lanskaya, the nuclear physicist, masseuse and lingerie model? Keeping up on the weather in Minsk? All my many and varied excuses for not appearing on video chat?

“Has he forgotten all the nights we sexted until 3am? That he told me he loved me? You put in all the time and effort and then he cuts you off. Were his feelings real? Is anyone genuine anymore?”