Amazon killing off family-run penis pill makers

TRADITIONAL village penis pill retailers are facing closure as customers desert them for online competitors.

“Morning Geoff, how is your erection?”

Small, family-run shops have been providing their local communities with impotence aids for generations but, like many independent retailers, are being hit by the growth of online shopping giants.

Tom Logan of Logan & Sons, said: “The shop was a real hub for the community, and everyone would drop in to hear the latest about Reverend Bennett’s erectile dysfunction.

“There wasn’t a man whose penis I didn’t know and I’d feel so proud to see their children playing cricket on the green, knowing they’re only there because I revitalised some penises.

“But we now live in an age where every man has a junk mail folder stuffed with promises to ‘stun her with an enormous manhood’.

“What am I going to tell the Bangladeshi orphans who make penis pills  in my basement?”

But customer Julian Cook said: “Tom knows my penis better than I know it myself.

“Maybe he should start selling pumps. That’s not the sort of thing I would buy on the internet. I would want someone to show me how it works.”


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Gatwick employs extra surly layabouts

GATWICK has doubled its staff of surly baggage-flingers. 

The move followed last weekend’s hold-ups which saw thousands waiting up to four hours to have their suitcases broken.

A Gatwick spokesman said: “We’ve screened candidates for brute strength and irrational hatred of luggage in all its forms.”

The delays have been blamed on planes landing with luggage inside that had to be removed and returned to waiting owners.

Gatwick has been advising travellers to use Heathrow or Stansted to avoid problems because everyone is a billionaire who can just charter a jet.