Burning Man festival being explained in a patronising manner

PEOPLE who go to Burning Man festival have been explaining what it is in a slightly condescending tone.

The US-based arts event, which takes place next month, has become an annual fixture for hippies, ravers and narcissists who aren’t certain you are open-minded enough to understand it.

28-year-old ‘Burner’ Tom Logan said: “It’s not really a festival, it’s more a temporary autonomous community of creative people.

“There’s no big acts, or money, and loads of nudity and face painting. It is wonderful but quite challenging, normal individuals like you would almost certainly not be into it.

“Obviously it would be great if you could be a part of it, I would welcome that, but it is pretty mental and you have to be certain your brain is special enough to handle something so enlightened.”

Office worker Emma Bradford said: “So it’s loads of people getting wrecked in a desert? I think I’m with you so far.”

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Exciting new technology nowhere near ready

AN exciting new piece of technology is nowhere near ready and will never come into widespread use.

The ZoomFlyer, a voice-activated, fully automated flying car, will revolutionise travel once a way has been found to turn the conceptual drawings into an actual thing.

Designer Stephen Malley said: “Imagine a car that can be told to fly to New York while you catch up on work or relax with a drink. If you know how to make one of those, please get in touch.

“Despite having some cool pictures of what the ZoomFlyer will look like, no one has yet invented the low-temperature jet engines we need to prevent it incinerating your kids during the school run.

“Even if we could build the ZoomFlyer, the only people who could afford it would be the US military, and they already have much cheaper ways of blowing up Afghan weddings.”

Malley said the future of the ZoomFlyer project now depended on aliens visiting earth and sharing their advanced technology.

He added: “With our next project we’re going to make sure we can actually build it before we announce it to the world’s media.  It’ll probably be a torch with an FM radio, something like that.”