Scholes to be voiced by Julie Walters

SOFTLY-SPOKEN Paul Scholes will be voiced by Julie Walters when he appears as a pundit on BT Sport.

The broadcaster has employed the star of Educating Rita to avoid a repeat of Phil Neville’s non-inflected World Cup droning.

A BT Sport spokesman said: “Julie will give the ginger number ten’s opinions warmth, depth and the occasional inexplicably sexy gurgling laugh.’

“The voiceover technique will be a bit like what they used to do with Gerry Adams in the 80s, but less intentionally stupid.”

Walters has not yet revealed how she will tackle the new role, though it is believed she is working on a comic warbling voice that many hope will be ‘a sort of Salford Mrs Overall’.

Meanwhile ITV plans to alleviate the tedium of its football punditry by doing a Champions’ League half-time segment as a Busby Berkeley Dream Sequence next season, with some pre-match chat being ‘sung through’ by Martin O’Neil and Lee Dixon to the music of Adele.

Sign up now to get
The Daily Mash
free Headlines email – every weekday

I'm being publicly taunted by that young upstart Justin Bieber

Dear Holly,

I’m being publicly taunted by that young upstart Justin Bieber. I tried to punch him in the face but made a massive arse of myself, and I’ve tried using my conch shell to call for Gandalf and the elves but they’re ignoring me. How can I win back my honour and crush Bieber in the process?

Orlando Bloom


Dear Orlando,

You’ve made an enormous error in letting a younger man make a fool out of you. You need to get the upper hand and show him who is more mature by throwing his school bag in a river and administering an industrial strength wedgie as soon as possible. Then you need to blunt all of his felt tip pens, draw comedy willies all over his World Cup 2014 Panini sticker album and jump on his Millennium Falcon. Only then can you show the world who is the bigger man.

Hope that helps,