Asda shoppers ‘just generally angry’

SHOPPERS at Asda are generally very angry people, it has emerged.

Following scenes of chaos at the budget supermarket as card machines failed, customers confirmed that they were angry about that, but angrier still about having to shop in fucking Asda.

Mother-of-two Donna Sheridan said: “This isn’t Lidl or Aldi where the slumming bourgeoisie go to semi-ironically buy a frozen lobster and a scuba mask, this is Asda and shit here is real.

“You don’t choose the Asda life. The Asda life chooses you.

“Even in Morrison’s you get a bit of social mobility, the odd shopper scrabbles up the supermarket class system to Sainsbury’s while dreaming in vain of Waitrose.”

She added: “If anyone blocks my access to the massive boxes of tea bags then I’ll serve them a family pack of kickass.”

Teaching assistant Nikki Hollis said: “The worst thing about the card machines going down was having to hand over real money for some of this shit.

“It really made the reality of Asda Smart Price Porridge Oats hit home. I think that’s when I went apeshit with a checkout divider and declared myself the barbarian queen of the prepared meats section.”

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Bank of England governor to be replaced with bucket full of stupid suggestions

BANK of England governor Mark Carney is to be replaced with a bucket filled with random suggestions from Theresa May and her idiot friends.

Carney stressed he had intended to see out his contract until 2021, but changed his mind after realising that in five years time the UK economy will focus on trading glass beads with passing fishing boats.

Carney said: “I’m off to Canada, which will hopefully be far enough away that I can’t hear the sound of this shithole country sliding into the Atlantic.

“Being Bank of England governor has been like driving along the edge of a cliff with no brakes in a bus full of drunk chimps who keep trying to grab the wheel.

“Shove your stupid pound up your arse.”

Trade secretary Liam Fox said: “Let’s make tenners massive so they’re worth more.”