Friend from university is an arse now

A MAN who bumped into an old university friend has discovered that he is now a total dickhead.

Julian Cook lost contact with former housemate Martin Bishop eight years ago, during which time Bishop has become a money-obsessed macho twat who thinks he is the bollocks.

Office worker Cook said: “Instead of talking about old times he kept asking me what sort of car I have.

“Then he blathered on about ‘taking home serious Ks’ from ‘folio development resales’, assuming I knew what that meant because otherwise I would not be a proper man.

“The worst bit was when he told me about some fringe political group he’s into called Libertarian England. No, actually it was when he said ‘pussy alert’ when a woman walked past.

“He probably just works and socialises with dipshits, but I wouldn’t rule out one of those injuries that turns you into a psychopath. Maybe he fell off a raft at a team-building weekend and hit his head on the riverbed.

“We parted on friendly terms but now he wants me to join his ‘weights oriented gym’ and go to a lapdancing club, which is odd because he used to be into Star Trek Generations.”

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Middle class family planning incredibly lame ethical Halloween

A MIDDLE class family is celebrating Halloween in a way that is respectful to witches and does not involve sweets.

The Logan family find rubber bats, monster masks and eating shitloads of chocolate problematic, but still believe they can join in the fun.

Project manager Tom Logan said: “Our daughter wanted a witch costume so I had to explain they were actually just medieval herbalists stigmatised by a patriarchal society and weren’t green or warty.

“We wanted her to wear something non-gender specific for trick-or-treating so we’ve decided to dress her as a piece of organic wheat.”

The Logans’ son Edward wanted to wear a ghost outfit but this also proved problematic given the family’s firm atheist beliefs, which reject the possibility of life after death. Instead he will be dressed as a starving 15th century peasant farmer who is being oppressed by the feudal system.

Edward Logan said: “We’re only allowed to go to the houses of other children from our school, all treats must be non-dairy or made of carob. It’s going to be beyond shit.

“Luckily we’ve got the ouija board for after mum and dad have gone to bed.”