Bank Bosses Urged To Stick Apologies Up Their Arse

THE former bank bosses blamed for kick-starting the worst recession for 100,000 years were last night urged to take their apologies and ram them so far up their back passages their heads will pop off.

The ex-HBOS and RBS executives told a Commons committee they were sorry about all the bad things that had happened, insisting the only thing that had kept them going during this stressful time was their enormous, untouchable wealth.

But, they claimed, they had also been victims of the financial crisis having lost so many of their favourite pounds.

Close to tears, Andy Hornby, the former head of HBOS, said: "In the last two years I have lost more pounds than I earned in salary. These were some of the finest, most decent pounds I have ever worked with. They were my best friends."

A clearly distraught Sir Fred Goodwin, the former RBS chief, showed the committee a photograph of his favourite £10 note, lost during a particularly greedy and stupid deal last March.

He said: "I sent it off to be part of some dodgy credit default swap arrangement, fully expecting to see it again a few days later.

"But at around 4pm that day I got a phone call saying it – and 250 million of its little friends – were gone. I fell to my knees, clutching this photograph and weeping like a grandmother."

He added: "I'll remember his strong, square edges and his picture of Charles Darwin looking at a hummingbird. He was the best £10 note a man could have wished for."

Committee member Tom Logan said: "Between you, you've banked seven figure salaries, you have enormous pensions and you will live in total luxury for the rest of your lives, while the hopes and dreams of millions have been shattered.

"Thank you for coming here today and I only wish there was a seething mob outside with a can of petrol, a large wooden stake and a box of Swan Vestas."

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Voodoo Parents Object To Juju Assemblies

A SCHOOL headteacher has resigned after voodoo parents demanded the right to withdraw their kids from assemblies that included juju.

Julia Robinson quit her post at the Meersbrook Bank Primary School in Sheffield after parents complained of her plan to hold a single multi-faith assembly to give all the children strong mogambo.

Just over half the school's children are voodoo, a third are juju and the remainder follow a variety of faiths including Islam, Christianity and Cheesy Cheese Pringles.

A member of staff said: "Each assembly would start with a man dressed as a woman burning some incense and transforming a wafer into the flesh of Christ, after that it would calm down a bit, there would be chicken bone throwing, a goat sacrifice and the presentation of certificates for spelling.

"None of the Christian parents objected, but then again why would they?"

Papa Doc Limba, whose son Baby Doc is in Year Three, said juju was bad magic that would weaken his child's odanani and leave him vulnerable to the snake god Demballa and minor throat infections.

He said: "Christianity we like, it powerful hoodoo, Islam too, but juju? It no good. They fill big house with old bones and smoke and think if you worship there it ward off the evil eye. Mental.

"Baby Doc, him never ill before this, now most morning his head going round like corkscrew and he throw up stinky green stuff all over his mommy."

A spokesman for Sheffield City Council said: "The opposition to the multi-faith assembly took us completely by surprise as we thought it was all just irrational horseshit."